Looking at another week of failure!!! I'm so tired of all this! I want to lose weight but I keep sticking my hand in the proverbial cookie jar every chance I get. I do it mindlessly half the time and then the rest of the time I think I that stuffing my face is going to fill the empty spot inside of me...only problem is the empty spot is just above my stomach and all that food does it make me fatter. It sure the hell doesn't do anything to fill the place in my heart that is so empty!
I know what would fill it but it's soooooo complicated. I know I would go for it if I lost weight so sometimes I think I stay fat just so I will stay put...is that the same reason I ran screaming away from the job that looked to be a bit too much. I'm not an idiot I could have done that job after a while...but 5 days in and all I could think of was running back home. Once again if I had my own money I would have another reason to run. UGH! What am I doing to myself. I have no clue.
The more I talk to the "complicated" thing in my life the more I want to run to it. Its sooo hard to admit failure but the hubby and I are more like buddies then husband and wife....I miss passion. Maybe that's just how it is suppose to be. My whole life, as soon as the passion dried up I was off looking for that feeling again. I know the hubby loves me and all but I miss the days of flowers and hugs dancing in the living room...passion of some kind. Now I get the paycheck handed to me on Friday night and if I manage to get a hug it usually involves some kind of boob groping! UGH...
I hate to complain because I don't have to work, I can be with my daughter anytime
I want and I usually get to go on mommy break vacations on my own...but I miss someone acting like loving me is a privilege not some God given right because they give me everything I want. Does that make any sense?? Or am I being a wining, spoiled bitch...
See what I mean I have this going on in my head all the time...so I eat to try and forget about all that could have been if I had taken the other path. The road not taken......why can't I just be ok with the choices I made? Because mister complicated has had my heart since I was 23 years old that's why!!
2 comments:
Wow, ok let me say this first (in case I say something dumb which guys tend to do) I suck when it comes to matters of the heart.
I will say I understand some of what you are feeling, the need for passion. I made the assumption that losing weight would make that more possible. I even had someone in mind. It was working, I was losing weight and things were looking up. Then the bottom fell out and between that and health issues I crashed. Weight shot back up and I entered into a mild depression.
I said all that because I'm starting to figure out that change is something that must be done for yourself. If you want to lose weight, work, whatever it needs to be because it's what will make you happy.
What will happen if you do lose the weight and your husband doesn't change how the two of you interact?
I'm not saying be selfish, but you do need to put your happiness first.
I totally understand what you are saying about your marriage being more about buddies/friends than husband/wife. That's what mine was becoming, neither one of us would admit that it was heading that way, and you know how that turned out for me!!
Change is a scary place. I didn't/don't want to go there, but apparently I have been forced. The jury is still out on how that feels. I'll let you know when I know.
PS - thanks for your kind words on my blog! I really appreciate it.
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