Blues.....

I could win an award for doing as little as possible this week! I can''t seem to get out of my shadow. I'm really dreading Saturday because it's my Grandmother's funeral...and it seems like its affecting everything. The "big clean" has come to a complete stop. I have been eating OK but not 100% on plan. I want to and I start the day with good intentions but then by the end of the day I find I have skipped snack and then dinner at the in-laws and poof its gone...so I end up eating whatever makes me feel better in the evening.

Now that summer has come and gas is sooooo expensive I can't find a reason to go to Machias everyday....only problem that is where all my friends are. I have never really made any down here. I tried but I just didn't feel like I fit in with many of them. Besides I have perfectly wonderful friends that I saw everyday while I was going to school...who needed new ones. Now I feel even more trapped then I did before. I may cure that before the summer is over. I'd like to move to Machias but it would mean divorce because Paul isn't interested and can't really. His work would then be over and hour away and since he usually leaves between 4 and 5 and we are only 20 minutes away now??? Oh well. I will have a job over there before fall because I want Amy to continue in the school she is in now. Nothing against the school here, but I think the social environment is much more controlled then it is in public school.

I really think my next big life change is going to be losing weight. I have finished the school thing and I'm organizing my house so now I need to get as serious about my body or the rest won't matter because I won't be able to enjoy it. My body is more like one of a 68 year old instead of an almost 38 year old! My joints hurt and all I want to do is sleep. I need to just get off my ass and make it happen. I need to start with the food intake but I think I may need to wait to lose some before I add much exercise! If I do to much my knees swell and i lose focus because the number on the scale isn't showing! UGH It is one big vicious circle!!

I think this was kind of a rambling post but I don't write in a journal any more since Paul had some kind of fit about something I wrote in my old one! YES that's correct...he found it and sat down and read it! Good thing I didn't write everything that was on my mind! haha Anyway this is much better. I think I like the idea that its out there and maybe something I write might have and effect on someone else~ weird I know! But hell you can't get much weirder then me! hahaaha