I'm having trouble with a title for my post....I am here struggling to lose weight like I have been now for what 3 years! Damn it sounds terrible...3 years! What the hell is wrong with me. I am slowly turning my mind around and trying to not think of this as a diet or some kind of punishment, but instead look for real reason why I repeatedly keep doing this to myself.
I don't think I have a passion for anything anymore. Some use to say I lived a passionate life! I've loved passionately, I've lost passionately, I've been a passionate and constant friend when all I wanted to do was say hey..WHAT ABOUT ME, I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU! WHY NOT ME! I SAW YOU FIRST! I've been passionate about work, I've been passionate about religion, I've been passionate about a dozen different causes and I've been passionate about defending what I feel is right or wrong! When did I stop being passionate about ME! Did it happen when I settle with what was in front of me? Instead of continuing the eternal search for happiness like from a fairy tale. I'm not sure. I have to find a way back to me. Find something that makes me feel passion again, yes I love my daughter passionately but I'm talking passion for myself! Or is the word compassion?? I think I keep doing this to my body so that I won't have to feel it. It hurts too much. Its easier to show compassion for others than it is to give myself a break! I keep digging this hole of mine deeper and deeper...someday I may never find my way out of it!
This journey called life as really been rough lately. I've mentioned my gram here before. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't even know her husband of 60+ years anymore. My grandfather has been cleaning out his house, giving away her things...dishes, clothing..etc. I hate the idea of taking them because it feels like stealing from the living, but on the other hand he wants me to take certain things...so I do and end up crying for days (or hell for that matter, every time I look at the stuff). I think I may have some depression going on but I will find my way out of this. As hard as all this has been with my grandfather this winter I have learned things that I never knew about my gram while she was "with us". She and her twin were co-salutatorians of their high school class. They wrote the most amazing speech called "Time". This was 1942 so you can imagine what was going on in their time. Strange that both sisters came down with this disease! To me the last 3 years has been this long drawn out wake...her body is still here but her spirit left a long time ago!
Damn no wonder I can't get out of my own shadow! Maybe I need to see about help for this...but then hell I hear depression medication makes you gain weight and stop wanting sex! LOL nothing different then is already in my life!
I think I have a title now...until next time my friends.
1 comment:
Sounds like you've had a rough time lately. Sometimes taking control of the things you can control can be very empowering.
As far as the depression issue, they have lots of great medications out there, and some of them have fewer side effects than others. It's definitely worth treating if you think it's an issue rather than letting it go. Just my thoughts. :)
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