What a beautiful day!

I don't usually say this about Mondays but it had to be said today. Its so nice outside. The sun is shining and it actually spring jacket weather!! haha People are out raking their lawns and cleaning up after the winter.
I love this time of year when everything starts to refresh itself. It gives you a much better outlook on life. The long dark days of winter are gone for another season or two and things that seemed so hopeless only a few short days before are getting easier to take.
I'm happy to say that I'm back at it full force. Today when I got a craving I went outside and worked in the yard and I ate on program all day. I feel so much better when I do I can't imagine letting myself slip back into like I have so many times since last May. I want so badly to be thin again and enjoy life the way I use to. But like Dr phil says I do this for some reason. There has to be a pay-off in it for me somewhere. Well I used to think that was a load of crap until I really sat down and thought about it. I stay fat so that I'm not attractive to other people. Its almost like by staying fat I'm staying in my situation here at home...because who else would want me. For years I have used food to hide all the pain I have felt..I was taught that from a child so of course that what I do now. As soon as the slightest problem occurs I run for the cupboard to fill that void or make myself feel better. All it does these days is make me feel like a failure. I think that's the turning point for me...when something that used to make you feel better becomes your enemy. I don't want to drown myself in chunky Monkey ice cream anymore...in fact I don't even like the way it tastes anymore.
What made this change for me? I think it was finally seeing what I'm missing out on. I wanted so much to look good for an event that just passed but for some reason I kept sabotaging myself. Why??? I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to control the way I was feeling so instead of keeping at it and becoming that thin person I wanted to be... I quit...God forbid I might have hit some of my goals and let myself feel what I wanted to feel. No, instead I hid behind my weight like always. Afraid to experience life. Its been my protection against getting hurt for so long I didn't think I could get by it. But I know I can now. Its not about how shitty my marriage is at times or what ever other crap is going on in my life...its about me and my mindset! If you think you are always going to fail then you are. I can't wait to see the new me and with any luck by this time next year you all will see her to. I said the new me instead of the old me because its a new day and a new mindset. I won't go back to the old ways, I can't!