I have tried and tried to kick myself in the ass but I haven't done shit for so fucking long now that I'm really pissed off at myself right now! I bought new things for school that are so uncomfortable today that it isn't even funny......My knees are so painful that I take the elevator at school to go up one fucking flight of stairs.....I think I have high blood pressure because I feel like the top of my head might come off when I bend over sometimes...and I can't even run around outside with my daughter for an hour without being completely exhausted!
I know what it takes to do this, I know how good I feel even losing 20 or 30 lbs....so why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself! All because my husband works until 8 or 9 every night....that would be pretty fucking stupid! Because I am so lonely that I can hardly stand it...even sadder because I have good friends that I could find a way to spend time with! I have to get some pay off from staying fat (or so Dr. Phil would say) but I, for the life of me, can't figure it out! I love being thin, I have enough money to buy new clothes just about when ever I want to, and I have this beautiful daughter that I want so badly to set a good example for!
Am I depressed...some times I wonder if that isn't part of it. My Dad has suffered from depression for years now but I don't want to give in to that...because I'm not a person that likes to take many meds.
Needless to say I have this chat with myself every day and I still end up at the end of the day eating my pint of B&J ice cream while studying. I wish I could find that piece of myself that kicks my own ass everyday, so I could stay true to this. Hell if the threat of life and death doesn't do it what the hell will!!! I just don't know. I want to be positive and say that I will make it but I really don't think I can down deep in my heart. Like I think I'm destine to fail no matter what so why put my heart into it! Does it come from years of watching both my parents struggle with food, does it come from the years of my brother say I will never do it, or is it Paul always telling me that he will pay for the surgery if I want it! NO IT DOES NOT!!! I HAVE TO BE WILLING TO WORK PAST ALL THAT SHIT IN MY LIFE AND DECIDE WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME! I HAVE TO WANT IT MORE THAN I WANT THAT DAMN ICE CREAM FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry to ramble, I guess you have a lot to say when you don't post for a month! I'm working on it a bit at a time. I need to get back to the water but today was great with food so tomorrow I will make it great with the food and water!
1 comment:
You took the first step, Sherri. You were good with your food today. Great first step. It's really hard to get it all under control once you let it go for a while. You absolutely can do this. You just need to take that anger and put it into action. You can do it. I know you have it in you.
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