Starting Over Again?

November..Already????

2010-11-01T11:47:00.002-04:00

I was just browsing around blog land today. Seems likes every gave up around the same time this year! What is it about June that shuts everyone down. I am still sitting at the 300 mark....wondering what the hell I was thinking~let another year go by and I'm still fat! I've spent a far amount of spare time lately reading and educating myself on a few things.

First~I've found a new Dr. that is willing to work with me to be proactive and has helped me get a grip on this arthritis pain that has kept me from exercising like I want to (very sad when walking on my lunch break leaves me in pain the rest of the day).
Second~I've been eating healthy lunches with my new co-worker everyday. We found some yummy alternatives to regular fast food at our local health food store.
Third~ I've been walking everyday that I can for 45 minutes of my lunch break...averaging at least 3 days a week. It isn't the whole answer but it's a nice start.
Fourth~Finding a buddy to talk to at night and walk with during the day has been very helpful for me. We keep each other from eating at night and we force each other to walk even on the days we might not have gone if we were alone! MOTIVATION is key for me! Knowing someone else is depending on me really helps!

I'm not saying that this is the cure to my issues but I think it's an excellent place to start! I've managed to lose a couple of pounds in the last few weeks and maybe even some inches...my pants are looser and I'm noticing I feel like going a bit further everyday! All good places to start!! I think this new doctor will be much more helpful, she is making me look at some alternatives I hadn't really thought about before. I'm actually excited for the future!

HELLO!! I'M HERE I PROMISE!~!!

2010-02-21T14:36:00.002-05:00

I'm still here and plugging away! I've added some walking to the mix and the weight keeps coming off slowly! This morning I weighed in at 299.2!! I finally have a 2 in front again...even if it is only by a few ounces!!

Work has continued to be a bit stressful but I think this coming week should be a bit slower. I finaly got an approval for my vacation request. Looks like the girls and I are going to mix things up a bit this year. We have decided to road trip it! Leaving here on the 16th of April and driving to Mrytle Beach to a timeshare! LOL We were planning on Key West but flights hadn't budged and we are all looking at our budgets a bit harder this year. I can't wait to make this trip with them! We are all turning 40 this year and looking at some major changes in our lives so its very exciting!

I'm off to work on homework for a Management class I have been taking online....I know...duh...add something else to my schedule...but its one I wanted and couldn't fit in before I graduated! I'll be by sometime this week to check on everyone elses progress but I hope you are all doing well! I'll try not to be such a stranger!

I really do feel different this time about this whole thing...the cravings just aren't there. The weight seem to be coming off slower but its all worth it if I can make this a life change instead of just another diet!

Week 3

2010-02-03T12:45:00.002-05:00

Another quick post....I managed to reach my first mini-goal of 305.0 by the last day of January! As of this morning I was down another lb. So considering that I wasn't 100% perfect on food lat week, I'll take it! (when I say that I mean I ate lite dressing instead of fat free one day and I ate a serving of sweet potato fries another day).

I'm not feeling as hungry as I was the first couple of weeks! My stomach doesn't feel like I have been doing sit-ups none stop for hours at least! LOL I have noticed my pants are a bit more comfortable, they had been getting a little uncomfortable for sitting all day! SO yippy on that one! Work has been a bit stressful so I'm hoping just to pull off a couple of lbs this week but we'll see.
I will try to get a few minutes to post again soon! Until then...i hope you are all doing well!

Week 2

2010-01-27T10:45:00.002-05:00

Well Bear, you may be right...7 lbs is way too agressive I guess considering it's Wednesday and I'm not down even another ounce! I so need to add some exercise to this but right at the moment its finding the time! I've been super busy at work and then I've had board meetings or school functions every night this week! UGH Stress is so not helping me with this!

I have been right on with my eating except for a muchkin yesterday at work training. I'm worried that there isn't going to be a weightloss unless I can add exercise, but then again I'm so fat that exercise is a real near impossiblity! UGH again! One walk the other night has my knee hurting 3 days later!!

Well now that I'm done complaining I guess I should get back to work! LOL I've added more water as of today so I'm helping that change willl help me succeed this week! I'll be happy with 2 lbs so I can reach my mini-goal!

Another quick post!

2010-01-24T23:40:00.003-05:00

Well its late Sunday night and we did our first official family challenge weigh in!! 307 baby! I'm excited to keep this going. We were all outside sledding most of the day! Next year maybe I'll be able to do more but for now I'm happy with this first week! At this rate I should for sure get to my mini-goal by the 31st...I'm hoping for 7 this week....but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment.
I've been up half the night getting all the hosuework done that I skipped out on today! Oh well my girl had fun and that's all that counts!

Coming along nicely!

2010-01-21T15:26:00.002-05:00

Just a quick update...meetings every night this week so not much "Sherri" time! I'm enjoying the challenge so far...Paul is down about 15lbs already and I'm down to 309.2 as of this morning! Not bad for the stressful week I've had! I'll write a real post this weekend after my official Sunday weigh in!

The game is on!

2010-01-14T15:43:00.002-05:00

I got a call from my sister-in-law last night asking Pauland I to join the family weight loss challenge. We're all meeting at her house this Saturday to weigh in, weights are sealed in an envelope and for 3 months we each pay $5 into the pot. At the end of the challenge the person with the greatest weight loss wins the pot! I LOVE THIS IDEA!!!!

I'm still waiting to get my Wii/Fit plus hooked up. Headed to Bangor this weekend to pick up a new TV stand that will hodl the new flat screen then we will be all set to plug in! JUST IN TIME!!! I'm going shopping while I'm there as well. Its much easier to find good fresh fruit and veggies then it is here in our little markets. I'm really pumped to kick some Cox butt! I am prepared for this...I know what to do and how to do it, now I just have to put my money where my mouth is.....literally! I have needed this kind of motivation!

I haven't given up Bear I promise! I'm just slow getting my ducks in a row. I want my environment to be indusive to losing weight so I'm slowing weening my kid off the junk we have been eating over the holidays and cleaning out the things we really don't need to be eating. I have replaced the blast o butter popcorn with smart pop, replaced regualr jello with sugar free 10 calorie stuff. And as sad as it may be for my Schwan's man...I'm no longer buying he drugs he pushes....no more ice cream sandwiches or fudgies, no more cheesy bread....just NO MORE OF IT! Maybe I'll start buying my veggies from him...we really do like him! LOL

So off I go to get weighed in this weekend! I WILL post more often just to be accountable! And Bear I really would like to see the Shrinkers blog up and running again so Iwill do my best to post at least once a week!

Monday Morning blues....

2009-12-21T09:14:00.002-05:00

As the holiday gets closer I get more depressed! AND you all know what happens when I get depressed...I just want to EAT!!! I have been trying not to but in this small town people are dropping off goodies and I'm baking...things are insane so we are grabbing quick meals that aren't always the healthiest. I can't wait for it to all be over with so I can get back to work! I am super excited about the Wii Fit Plus! I can't wait to get to work! I've managed to lose a few lbs in the last couple of weeks but not much..I'm cutting out little things for now...tea in the morning instead of coffee with real cream and sugar. Going to bed at night instead of mindlessly eating in front of the TV for hours on end. I'm down to 311 as of this morning...that's a tiny little chip of what I need to lose but every one counts in the long run~

I will plan to make regular posts again after the holiday! For now~ I'll keep getting here when I can! Good Luck my friends! And Merry Christmas!

A year in review....

2009-12-03T13:46:00.003-05:00

I haven't been here in forever! SO much has changed but then again so much hasn't. Where to start....how about a list.

January 13, 2009 I got a job, it sounds bizzare but I love it! I work as an administrative assistant at a funeral home.
Easter Day 2009- My father-in-law passed away after a very long battle with lung disease.
May 2009- My family mourned the year anniversay of my Grandmother's passing, and celebrated that my grandfather was still with us at 89....even though it includes a new lady friend in his life!
August 2009- My baby girl started K5!
October 2009- I was told my blood pressure was too high to give blood! 155/103...not so good!

I'm sure there have been plenty of other milestones but I guess those stand out the most in my mind at the moment!

My journey with weight has just brought me another year of being overweight and wishing I wasn't instead of getting up and doing something about it! I have watched my Dad struggle since last January with a back issue that just won't go away! This dr. has said that and this one that....but when it all comes down to it...he needs to lose weight!! He is over 300lbs...has 2 new knees and a bad back! It will help! I just know how I feel now he is 62. At the rate I'm going at now I'll be in a wheelchair by the time I'm that age!

I have sat on my ass all season and watched Biggest Loser on NBC...thinking..I couldn't do that or no way in hell would my knees allow me to do that...but you know...most of those people had health issues when they started too! I know its not possible, because of the schedule I keep, to work out 6 to 8 hours a day but Im darn sure I could find an hour somewhere. I bought Jillian Michael's new Wii game for Fit. Just waiting for Santa to bring the Wii now. I really think home exercise is the only way I will do it...I work 30 minutes from my house and I have my daughter in school over here. The only gym available doesn't have child care so I would have to leave her with a friend everyday in order to go work out! It wouldn't be far to her...so I think this is the best option. I don't have room for a bunch of health equipment but I think I can find room for some cowbells somewhere.

I have started staying in the office for lunch...usually light progresso soup or weight watcher meals...i have been doing really well with breakfast as well, usually weight control oatmeal. BUt will someone please tell me the secret to not eating at night! I have certain things I try to keep stocked in the house...fruit, light or air popcorn, 100 calorie snack packs. All I want to do is eat...I'm a night owl and the rest of my family isn't....so I get lonely, bored..i don't know....as usual food becomes my friend and companion....this has always been my problem...I need to find and alternative...I'm thinking the Wii will come in handy in that department as well! Time will tell...if anyone is still around...see you next week!

Just a another day

2008-11-14T09:50:00.003-05:00

I'm just chillin'..started a new book....cleaned some....spent a few minutes on facebook...now all I want to do is eat! SO here I am...this isn't a good thing because its only 10am. I really need to kill some time until lunch! I have had a hard few days eating wise. I've had to cook for my in-laws the last couple of days, then sit and eat with them...not overly healthy because they wouldn't eat it otherwise! lol So I tried portion control but of course the scale hasn't moved. Last night was the step daughters birthday party, I did manage to make a Pillsbury cake that had 50% less sugar so at least that was something right?? Of course she requested baked mac and cheese as the main course.... I'm off to camp with my Dad, Gramp, and Amy. All we seem to do there is eat! UGH! I can't very well take NS with me because there is no electricity...so I've packed fruit and yogurt and veggies...hopefully I can bypass the junk and make better choices at least. I'll check back in after the weekend~~ wish me luck!!

Coming clean

2008-11-11T16:17:00.002-05:00

Ok I finally did it, I posted my numbers on the shrinkers blog. I hate admitting failure...but I have to do it in order to go forward. I have my house in order..I've given into the idea of being a stay at home mom for now and I'm feeling better about just being me. But in order to be the best me and the best mom I need to focus on getting myself healthy. I used to worry about the way I look and how other people see me. No I think my focus has turned to see that I need to get healthy. The hell with what others think. My friends like me, I have a great personality but I won't be here for my daughter if I don't focus on me and getting this weight off. She is my world and the thought of leaving her scares me too death! She needs me and I need her. I can't play with her or have fun with her without getting winded or tired after just a few minutes.

I bought a few books on calorie counting and they should be here anytime now. I'm taking a page out of Bob and Emily's book and trying this approach. I never measure servings...i guess, so obviously I have been judging way over the proper serving size. SO I'm off to get my ass in gear and get healthy. I'm weighing in at 305.2 as of today. I have a lofty goal of 285 by the end of the year. We'll see how I do.

Here it is Sunday and here I am.....

2008-11-02T18:21:00.002-05:00

Looking at another week of failure!!! I'm so tired of all this! I want to lose weight but I keep sticking my hand in the proverbial cookie jar every chance I get. I do it mindlessly half the time and then the rest of the time I think I that stuffing my face is going to fill the empty spot inside of me...only problem is the empty spot is just above my stomach and all that food does it make me fatter. It sure the hell doesn't do anything to fill the place in my heart that is so empty!

I know what would fill it but it's soooooo complicated. I know I would go for it if I lost weight so sometimes I think I stay fat just so I will stay put...is that the same reason I ran screaming away from the job that looked to be a bit too much. I'm not an idiot I could have done that job after a while...but 5 days in and all I could think of was running back home. Once again if I had my own money I would have another reason to run. UGH! What am I doing to myself. I have no clue.

The more I talk to the "complicated" thing in my life the more I want to run to it. Its sooo hard to admit failure but the hubby and I are more like buddies then husband and wife....I miss passion. Maybe that's just how it is suppose to be. My whole life, as soon as the passion dried up I was off looking for that feeling again. I know the hubby loves me and all but I miss the days of flowers and hugs dancing in the living room...passion of some kind. Now I get the paycheck handed to me on Friday night and if I manage to get a hug it usually involves some kind of boob groping! UGH...

I hate to complain because I don't have to work, I can be with my daughter anytime
I want and I usually get to go on mommy break vacations on my own...but I miss someone acting like loving me is a privilege not some God given right because they give me everything I want. Does that make any sense?? Or am I being a wining, spoiled bitch...

See what I mean I have this going on in my head all the time...so I eat to try and forget about all that could have been if I had taken the other path. The road not taken......why can't I just be ok with the choices I made? Because mister complicated has had my heart since I was 23 years old that's why!!

Wait...What..How did that happen??

2008-10-29T18:14:00.002-04:00

Here I am! Finally back to the blogger world. I have missed writing. I haven't been doing much with my weight loss so I guess I have been ignoring it not wanting everyone to know I have failed yet again. I have started over too many times to count so none of that this time, just some true talk about what has been going on in my life.

Well since August...I had been waiting for Amy to go back to school so I could start going tothe gym and looking for a job. Well the gym thing lasted about 2 seconds and I finally found a job last week and decided after 3 days that I missed being around whenever Amy needed me. I lasted 2 more days then I told them that I wasn't the right person for the job...there were other issues too but it's easier to say it was all me. To me it wasn't worth Amy being so tired because she was going to school at 7:30 and staying after until almost 5. She was so tired and cranky...and that just isn't my kid....she is usually so well behaved.

With all that said I interviewed today for a position more suited to me and near Amy. But I don't really care if I get it or not. I like having my own money but I really don't need to work. The only reason I don't just give in and stay home is that I feel like I could get the family medical insurance. My husband is self employed and its very expensive to buy here in Maine. I'm sure its alot other places but here there are so few companies that even sell it that even a policy that cover very little can cost 500 a month. If I get off my ass and lose weight a lot of the issues I'm worried about would go away.

With all that said...is it ok for a woman today to just say I like being a stay at home mom?? I think I like it now that I have been doing it for so long. I like the freedom I have, I like being able to be the class Mom for the day, and I like going to the grocery store in the middle of the morning while everyone else is at work. Who ever would have guessed?? I think I have plenty to keep me busy if I give into it and let it happen.

I weighed in last week 5lbs down from where I had been but all that means I'm in the same place I have been for about 2 years. I want to do something so maybe I have to start on fixing that part of my life instead of focusing on the job front for now. Who knows what might open up for me if I let this come into my life....stay tuned!

Juggling or just a really good catch??

2008-08-13T16:34:00.002-04:00

I have no clue what the hell I mean by that title! lol I just feel like I'm juggling a million things right now but really, in all actuality, I'm just managing to stay a float out of pure luck. I'm playing the role of the good mommy, the ok wife, the good daughter-in-law, and the good child oh yeah and great friend but I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions when all I really want to do is run away with my hands over my ears yelling enough is enough. My Dad is having his other knee done in a week, my mom volunteered me to fill in for her at her church vacation bible school because of the surgery, my best friend gave me a guilt trip (well at least I felt that way) that she had no one else to take care of her daughter while she and her new hubby went on vacation, my mother-in-law and father-in-law need assistance so I'm making food to take there along with making it for my own family, and I still don't have a job and my daughter is going to need to be driven to school everyday starting very soon. I guess I'm bitching because none of this has left much time for myself. I feel myself slipping farther away then ever. Maybe I just need to get away but then I feel guilty doing that while Paul works!!! UGH! I know lots of people would kill to get to be a stay at home mom but this shit is not for me. I'm use to being able to say oh sorry I can't do that I have to work or hell they didn't even ask me to do things before because they knew I didn't have time. Now I'm free to do all this shit just because I don't have a real "job".

I feel really bad about feeling like this but I do!!! This is not helping with the weight issues! I need to get out of the house, can you tell?? HAHAHA I'm really not going nuts but I could if I hang here too much longer! I really am looking forward to trying the time at the gym. I think it might help, and it will definitely get me back around some people. I know that will help with my sanity issues.

Getting back into the groove

2008-08-05T10:44:00.002-04:00

I've been all summer trying to decide what I want to do when fall comes. I think I will be taking a class after all. It's an independent study in Marketing for Non-Profits, so it will be ok if I do find a job that strikes me, I wanted to take this class when I was at the university but it never came to being while I was there so the teacher decided he would do this independent study for a few us that have show interest.

Amy starts back to school on the 27th and I think we are all ready for it. I have all her school clothes and shoes, she is geared up with a new book bag and lunch box....and of course all those new school supplies. She can't wait!! The only thing bothering her is she has to go back to the school bedtime every night in prep for returning to school.

I'm finally through all the rooms in the house....weeded and out of the house. I'm actually going to do a yard sale with my cousin this weekend. Considering I live in Maine and the price of heating fuel is over $5 a gallon I think any spare money might come in handy. I think it will be fun. I did one years ago and didn't make shit...people actually try to barter on items you have marked under a buck!! lol too funny! Anyway, I have a lot more to get rid of this time so who knows. I have paint for several rooms but I think I will do that after Amy goes back to school. I have to drive her everyday but she is staying for a full day this year so I will have time to come home and do somethings around here. If gas keeps going up I'm going to need to find a part-time job though to afford it but the school is so worth it.

I'm still keeping my plan of working out everyday. I think one day a week I will be staying in town while Amy is in school and I may make that my long day at the gym, then the other days I have to drop her off by 8 so I will have plenty of time to do my workout and get home to do projects before she has to be picked up. I haven't done a thing on the weight loss front but I am maintaining for now. I'm just eating regular meals with the family and trying not to eat anything extra. We'll see!!

A new idea!!???

2008-07-31T10:47:00.002-04:00

I have a new idea. The job outlook is pretty bleak around here and Paul doesn't care if I work anyway so for a while I'm thinking that I might take a class and use the gym. This way I can take Amy to school still and not have to put her in that nasty school here, and at the same time I can go to the gym and work on myself. I won't have any excuses if that's all I have to do all day while she is in school. ok ok I know it's a stretch to think that I will spend that much time in a gym but maybe I'll get addicted or something. hahaha There is always the pool to change it up a bit. I hope this is the answer for me, I eat ok but still nothing happens with the scale. I have to add exercise or this damn circle will never end and I'll keep getting down and going back eating junk. I think once I can see a change it will hope with the motivation.

I'm looking at an independent study on Marketing for Non-Profits. I think this will be a big help with the Children's program, we really need some fresh ideas on how to raise some money since the state has cut so much from our budget. It's a great program that helps children's and families deal with developmental issues--autism spectrum, CP, etc. It's a great program and it really needs help so hopefully I will also be able to mix up the exercise with helping out there some too.

I'm still hanging in and bouncing back and forth between the 290's and 300's. It sucks!! I really need to do something else!! I think this new idea will kick things into gear for me, as long as I get enough sleep and prepare our lunches ahead so I'm not eating junk in a restaurant in town. Planning and organization...imagine that....I have issues with being organized but maybe I can improve that too.

2008-06-17T14:17:00.004-04:00

I can't believe its been so long since I last posted! Time flies I guess. I made it through grandma's funeral then Paul's mother ended up in the hospital. She has had several small strokes but the last one effected her walking so much that she had to seek help this time. She is home now and waiting for rehab to start but is getting around ok with a walker on wheels.

I have gone back to getting rid of "things" we don't use or need. My cousin and I are going to have a small yard sale soon to get rid of it all what doesn't go will go to the trash because I'm done dealing with all the clutter in my life.

I'm just maintaining at around the 299 mark but at least I'm not going up! I haven't really been taking time to eat much but then again I haven't been snacking either. You'd think all the trips I've made up these stairs that I'd be getting my exercise in and losing something!! I have our room all done, Amy's room is clean but I'll have to wait for her not to be home a day before I go through her things and weed some of it out. Now I've moved on to the bathroom, not a lot to do just need to go through and see what we have and what we are almost out of. I'm also trying to stock up on things. Sounds weird but my grandfather has been at me to do it. Something about how much money it will cost this winter for us to go back and forth just to the store....he has a point we do live 30 minutes from the nearest store that carries something besides beer and milk! lol

My plan for tomorrow will to move to the downstairs and start ditching more junk! I've managed to sell most of my old textbooks online and made a few bucks back now I just need to go through the crazy amount of paper I have seemed to have accumulated along the last three years. I used to have the rule that no junk mail ever made it into the house but over the last few months it seems that it has crepted back in somehow!

I guess I have rambled about the house long enough! I need to get off my butt and fold some laundry now! Hope everyone is doing well....that is if anyone besides Emily still stops by! That didn't come out right I hope you are doing well too Emily!!

Blues.....

2008-06-04T10:11:00.002-04:00

I could win an award for doing as little as possible this week! I can''t seem to get out of my shadow. I'm really dreading Saturday because it's my Grandmother's funeral...and it seems like its affecting everything. The "big clean" has come to a complete stop. I have been eating OK but not 100% on plan. I want to and I start the day with good intentions but then by the end of the day I find I have skipped snack and then dinner at the in-laws and poof its gone...so I end up eating whatever makes me feel better in the evening.

Now that summer has come and gas is sooooo expensive I can't find a reason to go to Machias everyday....only problem that is where all my friends are. I have never really made any down here. I tried but I just didn't feel like I fit in with many of them. Besides I have perfectly wonderful friends that I saw everyday while I was going to school...who needed new ones. Now I feel even more trapped then I did before. I may cure that before the summer is over. I'd like to move to Machias but it would mean divorce because Paul isn't interested and can't really. His work would then be over and hour away and since he usually leaves between 4 and 5 and we are only 20 minutes away now??? Oh well. I will have a job over there before fall because I want Amy to continue in the school she is in now. Nothing against the school here, but I think the social environment is much more controlled then it is in public school.

I really think my next big life change is going to be losing weight. I have finished the school thing and I'm organizing my house so now I need to get as serious about my body or the rest won't matter because I won't be able to enjoy it. My body is more like one of a 68 year old instead of an almost 38 year old! My joints hurt and all I want to do is sleep. I need to just get off my ass and make it happen. I need to start with the food intake but I think I may need to wait to lose some before I add much exercise! If I do to much my knees swell and i lose focus because the number on the scale isn't showing! UGH It is one big vicious circle!!

I think this was kind of a rambling post but I don't write in a journal any more since Paul had some kind of fit about something I wrote in my old one! YES that's correct...he found it and sat down and read it! Good thing I didn't write everything that was on my mind! haha Anyway this is much better. I think I like the idea that its out there and maybe something I write might have and effect on someone else~ weird I know! But hell you can't get much weirder then me! hahaaha

long time ...no writing! lol

2008-05-29T14:13:00.002-04:00

Wow I can't believe I haven't written anything since March! Time has been flying by. I graduated with high honors on May 10th and today was Amy's last day of school for the summer. We have tons of plans and top on my list is getting my fat ass into gear! (hopefully making that a bit smaller ass by next fall) lol

I lost my grandmother on May 15th, so my graduation week was full of ups and downs. But I have to tell you I would have had a lot harder time with it all then I did if it hadn't been for Amy. I was upset and crying after the news, she asked me why I was sad and I told her....and she says..."It's OK Mama, now she is in heaven but she will always be in your heart" Got to love that Christian school education...of course this made me cry even harder and almost hug her to death but wow a 4 year old sees things so clearly!! Grandpa is doing OK but we are worried about him he tells us how tired he is all the time. He is 88 so that's OK but we are just so use to him being strong and healthy, I guess this day had to come sooner or later. Hell up until a year or so ago he could do chin-ups on beam at camp! I've never been able to do it! hahaha

I have been talking with a girl that has the lap band and has lost about 50 lbs she loves it but its a much slower process then with the bypass but a lot safer! I can't decide if I want to go to this extreme or not! What will stop me from going back to my old habits once I had the lap band removed?? I really think I can do this on my own, I know what to do I just don't do it for some reason.........

I've started "The BIG CLEAN". I've said for the last 3 years, as soon as school is out I have got to dung this house out!!!" We have so much junk. I've gotten rid of tons of stuff already but it was hard for me when I married Paul because I came from a house with like 15 rooms and this house has like 5 counting the bathroom! Easy to heat yes but not conducive to me keeping all my junk! So I'm giving myself license to go one room at a time and weed things out that I haven't used or worn for a year or more. Then I will be able to have a yard sale, and hopefully make enough to do a few projects around the house....all before I have to start looking for a job.

Back on the NS wagon!

2008-03-23T17:04:00.002-04:00

Yes that's right folks! I'm back to Nutrisystem for one last try! Well officially I start tomorrow. The house is fully stocked with veggies and fruit to go along with the new NS order that came on Friday. I really want to do this this time. I've spent the weekend eating whatever looked or sounded good to me. To tell you the truth it made me feel worse than better. I really thought I was going to be giving myself a "last" treat so to speak....but all I managed to do was make myself feel terrible.
I have to say i haven't posted a weight for a while on the Shrinkers Blog but I have seen numbers that I don't ever want to see again. Here it is...today I was 304.8!!!!!! That was first for me..see and saying! This has to change! I have to change, in my way of thinking as well as my way of eating. One little slip up can't ruin a whole day or weeks worth of work..I need to just get over it and move on to the next meal and make it perfect.
So tomorrow my goal is to get all the water and food in that I am suppose to...I'd like to think I could work in some exercise too but I've had a chest cold so more than likely it isn't happening!
But I will have the next three days near the gym so if I feel better I will be there...if it doesn't happen then it will be my goal for next week. I also need to find time to fit Blogging in my schedule...I really need this! So maybe it will be my next goal to meet after exercise.

A better day

2008-02-26T11:22:00.002-05:00

Hi all! I hope everyone is doing well. (Thanks Em...for the kind words) I have decided that I don't want to end up on meds so I'm taking control of my life! I have made a few simple changes from talking to a friend that has seasonal depression. I started going back to the tanning bed....I know it's terrible for me but it does make me feel better! First thing in the morning I have been getting up, showering and getting dressed..shoes and all...no sweats or comfy clothes. I get right to what needs to be done around the house. I feel like good and like I've accomplished something! Normally I would be sitting around in my sweats watching movies and ignoring all that needs to be done.

As far as my grandfather goes, well i made the decision to face that head on this weekend! I invited him to go to the nursing home with my daughter and I. He went and we all felt better for it even though Gram didn't even wake up while we were there. We visited with an old lady I knew from when I was working and I tried to make the visit as upbeat as possible.
I haven't been 100% perfect with my food and nighttime is still my worst time but I think for me the key to getting back into the proper frame of mind is taking baby steps. Finding my way back into the light is first.

I managed to do 5000 steps for me and considering the only physical work I did yesterday was housework in the morning and I spent my afternoon and evening in a classroom...5000 is OK! I'm making baby steps there too. Taking the parking space at the end of the parking lot instead of driving around until one comes free next to the entrance! Taking the stairs!! (when my knee allows it) Now on to making better food choices all day! I'm really looking forward to this weeks weigh in!

Passion or Compassion?

2008-02-21T22:29:00.004-05:00

I'm having trouble with a title for my post....I am here struggling to lose weight like I have been now for what 3 years! Damn it sounds terrible...3 years! What the hell is wrong with me. I am slowly turning my mind around and trying to not think of this as a diet or some kind of punishment, but instead look for real reason why I repeatedly keep doing this to myself.

I don't think I have a passion for anything anymore. Some use to say I lived a passionate life! I've loved passionately, I've lost passionately, I've been a passionate and constant friend when all I wanted to do was say hey..WHAT ABOUT ME, I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU! WHY NOT ME! I SAW YOU FIRST! I've been passionate about work, I've been passionate about religion, I've been passionate about a dozen different causes and I've been passionate about defending what I feel is right or wrong! When did I stop being passionate about ME! Did it happen when I settle with what was in front of me? Instead of continuing the eternal search for happiness like from a fairy tale. I'm not sure. I have to find a way back to me. Find something that makes me feel passion again, yes I love my daughter passionately but I'm talking passion for myself! Or is the word compassion?? I think I keep doing this to my body so that I won't have to feel it. It hurts too much. Its easier to show compassion for others than it is to give myself a break! I keep digging this hole of mine deeper and deeper...someday I may never find my way out of it!

This journey called life as really been rough lately. I've mentioned my gram here before. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't even know her husband of 60+ years anymore. My grandfather has been cleaning out his house, giving away her things...dishes, clothing..etc. I hate the idea of taking them because it feels like stealing from the living, but on the other hand he wants me to take certain things...so I do and end up crying for days (or hell for that matter, every time I look at the stuff). I think I may have some depression going on but I will find my way out of this. As hard as all this has been with my grandfather this winter I have learned things that I never knew about my gram while she was "with us". She and her twin were co-salutatorians of their high school class. They wrote the most amazing speech called "Time". This was 1942 so you can imagine what was going on in their time. Strange that both sisters came down with this disease! To me the last 3 years has been this long drawn out wake...her body is still here but her spirit left a long time ago!

Damn no wonder I can't get out of my own shadow! Maybe I need to see about help for this...but then hell I hear depression medication makes you gain weight and stop wanting sex! LOL nothing different then is already in my life!

I think I have a title now...until next time my friends.

This is my blog so I'm going to say it!!!

2008-02-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Ok now that I have that out of my system...I mean really....what is wrong with me! I just read Sue's post on the Shrinkers blog...I feel the same way. I want nothing more than to be thin and feeling good yet I keep putting crap in my mouth day after day. I have a free gym to use at school...do I use it..NO! I have someone to workout with and never take advantage of it. I know school is getting to me this semester but it's not any worse than past years. I just don't know. Maybe Jan was on to something, see I was always the center of attention when I was younger, but I loved it! I could have my pick of men and I had fun! Sometimes I think I'm afraid of ruining my life if I get thin! Now how screwed up is that! LOL A bit backwards I know but for those of you that don't know I'm no where near 100% happy in my marriage and maybe it would be that much easier to run away...I don't know but I need to change this point of view somehow. If I keep going the way I have been I will die young! I'll never have any fun with my daughter and hell I might not even see her grow up and get married! You never know.
I've been depressed for months I think! I miss my grandmother but I can't make myself go to the nursing home when she doesn't even know who I am, yet I feel worse because I don't go. I see my grandfather getting old and preparing to die...that is horrible! My Dad had a knee replacement last month and its been hard watching him be in pain...looking old. Ugh! I need sunshine and warm air maybe! LOL
All that being said I managed to be down .2lbs this week! I think that was because I sneezed before I got on the scale! I ate like shit this week, I didn't exercise except for playing in the hotel pool with my daughter on day for about 30 minutes! I want this week to be different. Today I'm working on homework so that I can have a bit more free time during the week to go to the gym, eat healthier (not out of the vending machine next to the computer lab at school). I want to be in the challenge to lose weight! I want the girls to kick the boys butts...but really give me a break! Bob has lost what 10 pounds and he is already tightening his belt a notch! ( I'm just jealous...but man)

It's going....

2008-01-18T10:08:00.000-05:00

I'm getting settle with my new semester schedule. Works out that I will only have live classroom classes Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I have to go to Machias for Amy to go to school so I'm making some plans with friends to do some gym time~ either water aerobics or just taking advantage of the facility equipment (while its still free to use). I haven't been the greatest on food but its not so much my choices but when I choose to eat them. I don't eat at regular times during the day so by night time I'm starving! I'm doing better and getting a settled schedule will help with that. Today I had weight control oatmeal, it's good but damn does that stuff taste sweet with splenda or something! Maybe tomorrow I'll go with regular oatmeal and a little touch of sugar free/low fat maple syrup.

The scale is, of course, less than great but I'll take it 299.2 this morning. A loss is a loss...if I had done more work it would be a better number. On to next week.

Let's get this done!

2008-01-06T21:35:00.001-05:00

Here it is Sunday night and I'm ready to start tomorrow with a bang! The cake is gone, the junk is in the trash and I'm ready to get this show on the road. Last week was a dry run so to speak...to get me use to the idea of doing this again. I actually gained a pound but I think that is for other reasons. I'm ready to move on and get out of my rut!

I went out with my step daughter this weekend! I really have to say that will be the last time more than likely! She drinks way too much and I end up being a babysitter because I don't feel comfortable just doing my thing. She doesn't know when to say no and she loses her brain when she drinks hard liquor. My mother instinct takes over and I stop drinking to keep an eye on her. I really need to either not go out or do it with my friends! The child actually threatened a guy I have know for 20+ years and told him to stay away or she would tell her father?? what the hell was that about..we were sitting 2 seats apart and chatting about the old days not swallowing each others tongues in a dark corner! Maybe I'm just too old to do that bar thing anyway!

I'm off until the 15Th and I have so many things l'd like to get done in that time. Hopefully I'll manage to get at least half of my list done. I'll be glad when I don't have to schedule everything I do. I plan on taking the summer off before I look for a job with my new degree unless something great comes along. I think it would be good for Amy and for me.

I'm getting a sitter tomorrow and having a mommy day! Nothing special but lunch with an old friend and a bit of shopping but I'm really looking forward to it for some reason. I'll be back to post about it tomorrow night! You are right Emily this really keeps me busy. I had forgotten how much I love being able to purge. I write it down on paper here but I end up leaving it out somewhere and Paul reads it.....never a good thing! lol

Happy Birthday Amy!

2008-01-05T16:00:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted! Today is Amy's 4th birthday talked about not knowing where the time went! She is the light of my life, and I can't imagine what life would be like without her.
I managed to pull a 4.0 this semester ~ now the countdown is on. I'll graduate May 10th!! WOOOHOOO!! That is the main reason I'm back on the weightloss wagon. I've got the rest of my life on the right path, but this seems to always end up being the last thing I think about!

I want to get my weight under control but I'm really struggling. I want it but yet I keep opening my mouth and inserting food! Mindlessly eating anything in my reach! Why....you tell me. Am I bored? YES! Am I lonely? YES! Why why why? All I ever do is ask why...why don't I have the life I want, why didn't I marry someone that I have something in common with, why do I do this to myself??

I am back but not the way I should be...this week has been like a dry run. I need to get my whole head in the game. I'm really struggling, I like to eat...and so does the husband. I've tried to clean everything out of the house but it seems to creep back in. I was thinking maybe I could get some one to crack me in the jaw..and get the jaw wired shut...but hell then I'd be ordering chocolate milkshakes from McDonald's all the time. LOL Seriously though, I need to find a way to detox my body. I ate so much sweet food over the holidays that now it's all I want.

I'm determined to make this my year in more ways than one. So here I am in all my fat glory over 300 lbs. I have set some fairly small goals: first 10 lbs, then 30 then 50 for the year...I know if I can really get into this I can do much more but small goals might not seems so overwhelming!

School days have returned!

2007-08-30T12:40:00.000-04:00

Hey all! Wow I can't believe it's been so long since I last posted. This summer as flown by so fast I hardly even got a tan! I started back to school yesterday, so far the classes seem OK. Not a crazy schedule by any means which is good because Amy is off to K3 this year. I think its a good move...not really school but not just sitting at the sitters watching TV either. She loves to practice letters and writing her name, she can count to 20 and she knows the alphabet so it may be too easy for her but at least she will get the experience.

As for me, I only have 4 classes: Small Business Management, Marketing Research, Quickbooks, and Business Ethics and Social Responsibility. Mostly lots of reading and lots of face time with the computer. Much better than last years schedule...only one class a day,except for Tuesdays when I have a night class and Fridays I don't have any classes.

As for the weight front...........I'm not eating to much.....still not losing any weight...why you say...because I'm eating on the run and grabbing what ever is fast.I need to ease back into a regular routine. I make sure my daughter eats healthy...why don't I do it for myself?? Everyone else comes first....I need to change things in that category and start thinking more about myself and my health so I will be here for her! I love food, but I don't love being fat so I need to do this for real this time...not just pretend...or make a half-assed attempt at it. I have made plans to go back to the gym with my friend..she stopped working out over the summer so she needs it as much as I do. She gained 8 lbs over the summer which is the = to me gaining about 25! (she's tiny).
I hope to also make my way around to everyone else's blog and post on the Shrinker's Blog. Like Emily said, it really helps me focus and whatever time I spend doing that I don't spend eating something I shouldn't! Come rattle my cage if I don't post once every few weeks.

A new day...a new template

2007-07-03T08:51:00.000-04:00

I added this picture of Amy, it's one of my favorites!! Well its hard to believe that it's already the 3rd of July. My summer is a third over!!! Its flying by with he co-op job, 3 classes online, vacationing, and taking care of Amy! Seems like I had more free time when school was in session. lol I head back on the 28th of August I think.
We just got back from a week in Bermuda..very relaxing but I think next time I will fly instead of cruising! I really don't think the North Atlantic is the place for a cruise ship, it was so rough.
Paul and I started dieting together when we got home. He lost 5.4 lbs the first week and I lost 2.2lbs. It's so much easier not to have to cook two different meals every night. I have wanted an ice cream cone so bad the last few days but I drove right by the shop 2 days in a row so far!
My schedule this fall is perfect...only 4 classes and they are spread out over the day. Amy will be going over with me this year. She is headed to a 3 yr old program 2 days a week at the christian school. I hope she likes it as much as she thinks she will! She is getting a new puppy just before school starts too! We went and saw them over the weekend...too cute...yellow labs! I didn't really want another yellow but hell they are free!
I can't think of much else to write about and I have to get headed to work. Have a great day all and keep on moving downward!

Another beautiful day in the sun!!

2007-03-29T18:03:00.000-04:00

I'm getting closer to getting my grant proposal done but I'm not spending enough time in the sun. So I'm going to work into the night and get this thing done then go exploring tomorrow, maybe down the coast or up to Cape Canaveral...whatever the day brings. This trip has been good for me, I really needed some time alone! Maybe I lived alone for too many years...don't get me wrong I love my family but I miss being able to do whatever I want with interruption. I also think it has helped me see just how important my family is to me. I have been on the edge of running for a long time away from what to where I have no clue but I have had this overwhelming feeling of being trapped-- boxed into a corner or something. I couldn't breathe. Now I feel like I'm ready to go back and I can give them the best of me.

On the weight loss front, I hope to see a loss when I get home. I've done really well eating or should I say not overeating. I really want to change this part of my life. I have said it a million time but it feels like I keep stopping myself...like if I get thin then I will have to completely rethink how I deal with other issues in my life. It keeps me thinking all the time. Will I go back to the old me if I lose this weight?
Its a weird feeling, I sometimes forget that I'm fat. I look in the mirror and I see who I want to see then the next day I look and all I see is the fat. What is wrong with me. I clothes, and shoes and looking nice. I buy this wonderful outfit and think it look wonderful then all of a sudden I try it on and damn its the ugliest thing I've ever seen and it makes me look like a I'm wearing a circus tent! Does this happen to anyone else...this false sense of self...this mirror that lies to me one day and tells me the truth the next???

Good Afternoon from Cocoa Beach

2007-03-26T13:10:00.000-04:00

Ok I have been so off plan for the last month or so! I have a pile of useless excuses that just keeps getting higher and higher but enough is enough! I'm using this week to get a jump start and get my head back in the game so to speak. Yes I'm at the beach by myself!! Amy is with my Mom and Dad, Paul stayed home to work, so I am here working on school work and enjoying the sun and quiet!
I won't be weighing in until next week but I just know its going to be down! I weighed in at 290 before I left on Sunday and that just wasn't what I wanted to see. So I have filled the condo frig with lots of fresh veggies, fruits and water. I'll weigh in again on my regular day, Wednesday. Here's to getting back in the game! WE can do this I just know it if we stick together!!

Growing stronger and leaner!

2007-02-09T13:50:00.000-05:00

I feel so fresh and ready for life! I'm losing very slow this time but its so much different. I'm learning no to deprive myself, instead I have a bit or 5 then as soon as I feel the slightest bit of full I through it away or ask my waitress to remove it. NO MORE DOGGY BAGS! (unless its for the giant salad I can't seem to finish)

I have heard other people say that when its the right time for you to do this that you'll just know it, it will be different. That was always horseshit to me...until now. I don't crave things like I use to. I think the key things for me have been keeping busy, staying active either at home or at school. The gym gets me so cranked up now. I have energy to burn still when I get home.

I have to make this a short post because I have a bunch of homework to do before the weekend. I'm off with my best friend for her birthday tomorrow and Amy is having her first little girl sleepover away from home tonight! What happened to my little baby?? lol

I'm still alive!!

2006-12-23T08:53:00.000-05:00

I can't believe its been so long since I posted. I was having issues with blogger again so I guess I just gave up. I tend to do that with alot of things. Like my weight loss, it gets hard and boom I quit. I need to find the same kind of motivation that I have to succeed in school. (Shamelessly self absorbed moment)!! I MADE DEAN'S LIST AGAIN!! School gets hard and I haven't just walked away from that, so why the weight loss?? I hate being fat as much as I hate not having a job so what's the deal with me??? I'll let you know when I figure it out.
First, I changed my schedule for next semester a bit so that I can go to the gym with my best friend before our first class so I know that will help because if I back out she will kick my ass. Second, I bought a galley pass on campus and will carry no cash. I can eat boca burgers, salads, and fresh fruit and veggies there and they just debit my card. Now my only problem is fixing what's in my house (or should I say brought into my house). Yes I 'm to blame for some of it but not all. I have to find a way to be stronger than the food!
I wonder if it would work to hang a sign on the door...next to the no smoking one! haha A giant ice cream X'ed out! haha Or maybe I could hire a personal shopper to do the grocery shopping for me..they wouldn't dare buy anything that wasn't on my list.
Seriously I should be able to control this on my own. Its crazy. Any ideas anyone??

Feeling better today

2006-09-13T11:09:00.000-04:00

I was having a really sucky day yesterday in case you couldn't tell from my post! I didn't get to my homework until after 9:30 because Paul came home at 8:30, after Amy had been in bed for a 1/2 hour, and woke her up by talking on the phone just below her room! Then after attempting to quiet her down for like 3 minutes he decides to go to bed and let her cry it out. Of course I can't begin to concentrate on my Economics so up I go for another 1/2 hour until she is settled again and ready to go to sleep. (this stuff started after we took her binkies away..that and a night light. She used to go to bed very easily and not wake up for any noises!)

Anyway, I'm not complaining anymore today. I got my work done and I'm having an excellent day so far. I'm drinking my water and I've been right on schedule with my food intake. I am sick of being left out of life (the way I want to be in it) so enough is enough! I AM GOING TO SUCCEED THIS TIME!
Have a great day all! And thank you for helping me through this...

You know what? I"M FAT!!!!!

2006-09-12T19:57:00.000-04:00

I have tried and tried to kick myself in the ass but I haven't done shit for so fucking long now that I'm really pissed off at myself right now! I bought new things for school that are so uncomfortable today that it isn't even funny......My knees are so painful that I take the elevator at school to go up one fucking flight of stairs.....I think I have high blood pressure because I feel like the top of my head might come off when I bend over sometimes...and I can't even run around outside with my daughter for an hour without being completely exhausted!
I know what it takes to do this, I know how good I feel even losing 20 or 30 lbs....so why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself! All because my husband works until 8 or 9 every night....that would be pretty fucking stupid! Because I am so lonely that I can hardly stand it...even sadder because I have good friends that I could find a way to spend time with! I have to get some pay off from staying fat (or so Dr. Phil would say) but I, for the life of me, can't figure it out! I love being thin, I have enough money to buy new clothes just about when ever I want to, and I have this beautiful daughter that I want so badly to set a good example for!
Am I depressed...some times I wonder if that isn't part of it. My Dad has suffered from depression for years now but I don't want to give in to that...because I'm not a person that likes to take many meds.
Needless to say I have this chat with myself every day and I still end up at the end of the day eating my pint of B&J ice cream while studying. I wish I could find that piece of myself that kicks my own ass everyday, so I could stay true to this. Hell if the threat of life and death doesn't do it what the hell will!!! I just don't know. I want to be positive and say that I will make it but I really don't think I can down deep in my heart. Like I think I'm destine to fail no matter what so why put my heart into it! Does it come from years of watching both my parents struggle with food, does it come from the years of my brother say I will never do it, or is it Paul always telling me that he will pay for the surgery if I want it! NO IT DOES NOT!!! I HAVE TO BE WILLING TO WORK PAST ALL THAT SHIT IN MY LIFE AND DECIDE WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME! I HAVE TO WANT IT MORE THAN I WANT THAT DAMN ICE CREAM FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry to ramble, I guess you have a lot to say when you don't post for a month! I'm working on it a bit at a time. I need to get back to the water but today was great with food so tomorrow I will make it great with the food and water!

Battles within

2006-08-10T13:35:00.000-04:00

Well I have been having a hard time with food..whats new! LOL I tend to eat when I am stressed or upset so I have been trying to stay away from things that tempt me right now. Today I have been 100% NS so I am very proud of myself, but tomorrow I have to go back to visit my friend. The worse he gets the more I want to eat. I really need to find a new way to deal. I went on a walk last night and that helped a bit, but I wanted to run and not stop until I couldn't breathe but my knees won't let me. When I could run I didn't and now that I can't I want to...life is cruel!!
I'm looking forward to a girls weekend on the 18th. That should be a nice get away...even if it isn't good for the diet. There should be wine and laughs, just what I need! Then we are off to Bar Harbor the next day to hike at Acadia National Park.
School starts back up for me on the 30th Macroeconomics, managerial accounting, several hours free--all to myself---then word processing in the evening. I also have business law and public speaking on the other days. I love the feeling...first day of school fever. I actually feel like I should be going school shopping! haha Who would have thought!
I know I will do it this time I can just feel it...I think I have said this before..well I know I have but I just want it so much more. I want to be at goal by the time I graduate...I have 40 credits and 140 lbs to go but I can do it!!!

I can't believe I only posted once last month!

2006-08-03T08:44:00.000-04:00

I really can't believe its been a month. I was having an issue with getting in to blogger so I have thought of posting for a week or so but couldn't. Before that I guess I just got busy..thank you to those of you who came looking for me!
I finished the Art class and got an A-. I guess that means I didn't always improve on the things he tried to help me with but hell it was fun and it didn't hurt my GPA any. I also finally got a grade for Stats too. I actually managed to pull off a B can you imagine. hahaha Well its done and thats all that counts...did I learn anything might be another story. Enough to get by I guess. Anyway so that leaves me with an A, A-, B so far for the summer..my last class ends on the 18th but so far I'm carrying a strong B or a low A. I can't believe that summer is almost over I'll be back at school for classes in 27 short little days. Every weekend between now and then is booked up but we are having fun so thats what counts. Amy is off to a beach party with our sitter and her daughter and a few of the other kids that go to her house. She took great delight in saying no Mommy its just me, you can't come.
On the weight loss front....well what can I say this week I'm down 5 lbs so far. I just decided the other day that I'm the one running my life not a step daughter with junk food or the ice cream shop, or the coffee shop on the way to school. I'm the one that has the control and I need to find it. It might take leaving my purse at home and only taking 1.74 for a large coffee with me for now but thats alright. Someday I won't have to do that but for now I do.
I guess I got thinking about Bob's post from a while ago. This I'll try crap hasn't gotten me anywhere. I can do this and I will do this!
I have a missing NS order right now but I had enough left to work on...so I am back 100% NS as well. I have so much I want to do and this weight is holding me back from doing most of it! I made a new friend this summer in class. She is all of 5 foot and weighs little of nothing but we are the same age and she used to be fat so she said she will go to the gym with me this fall and kick my ass if I don't show up so that is going to be a great help. I love having someone like that around! TOO AWESOME! So it onward and downward for me for sure this time around!!

Day 394 (according to the clicks)!

2006-07-05T14:22:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I have been kicking around here that long! I think its a bit longer because it took me a few days to find the clicks for discounts..but wow! This was a real eye opener for me for some reason, its not like I haven't been clicking it everyday and hadn't noticed the numbers growing. Maybe today is different because this was the day to start over, its different because Paul is doing it with me. He tried to do something a few days ago and just couldn't do it! He has gained back the 40 pounds he lost when I first got home from the hospital from having Amy(which he was doing to help support me). I don't know if it was that he's finally decided that I'm not doing the bypass thing and I really need help or if its just that he is fat and uncomfortable like I am! It's terrible to not feel right in your own skin! I have been fat for years but I remember how great it felt to be thin, or to walk in to a store and be able to feel great in anything I tried on. (of course that was back in the days when I couldn't afford to actually buy anything..I just tried it on)but wow..I want that feeling back!!!

I haven't weighed myself yet today. After the weekend and the holiday we had I was kind of afraid to. So I will have to post it to my profile later because I want to start out fresh and on target!

You will all be glad to know that I had a chat with my family about the junk! Amy loves fruit and veggies more than anything so her eating habits aren't a problem but Paul and Angela are a different story. After this might have been when Paul figured out how serious I really was this time. I went to the cupboard and took out everything that shouldn't be here...gave them the choice to eat it now or it was going. I threw out chips, dip, sugar cereal, and anything else that wasn't on NS extra's menu! I gave fair warning that if it came back in it better not be anywhere where I can find it! So here it goes!!!! We'll see how long it lasts.

Stats ends on friday, I have been so upset after taking the last test. I worked for 3 days on 25 questions and still only managed to get a 72. I don't feel all that bad because the class average was a 60...and the smart kid that helped me last time only got an 80. Maybe I should have stuck to the classroom for this one but oh well.

I start the beach art class on Monday...as long as the weather holds it should be a blast!! I'm so excited because, I'm actually doing something that makes Bob jealous!!! he he LOL !!

I'm still here...

2006-06-30T17:09:00.000-04:00

Hi all! Yes I'm still here, not doing very well with the whole eating thing but I'm here still. I have been trying but I can't seem to stay focused with all this damn junk in the house! I'm weak!

I'm almost done with the summer classes...well I'm taking another one but it's an art class that goes to the beach everyday. I managed to get an A in Supervision but this damn stats class is going to kill me. I made Dean's List for the spring which is a first for me!! yippy...always knew I could do it I just never cared enough when I went the first time. Good thing they don't have one for the summer because there is no way I'm getting any better than an C...or C+ in this class, but it will be done and over with and hopefully I'll never need to use it for anything because I have no idea about most I've studied.

The step daughter is still here with all her junk food...she keeps it in a cupboard but she doesn't understand that I can't even have it in the house because I will hunt it down and eat it when I'm having a craving! I've been trying really hard and I've been maintaining this week because she has been staying with her Mom. I have to get control over this I know. It's not her fault it's mine problem. But its like the rest of my life is-- spinning out of control. Most days I feel like I'm inside myself watching the world go by. When I'm with my friends at school and my pre- marriage friends I feel great, like I belong, but the only time I feel right at home is when it's just me and my daughter doing our thing. Not really a good sign for the hubby but its true. I need to make some changes, but I'm too scared to try to go off on my own.

I love to stop by and read about how you are all doing...I don't always comment but I do check in. Thanks for those of you that have reminded me to post. I really hope I can get this thing called my life under control. I really need to!!! For myself and for my daughter...I listened to my daughter today, playing with her dolls telling them she couldn't do something because of her knees!!! I felt like a dumbass! The poor girl has heard me say no so many times because of my knee that she thinks its normal!!!!! The poor kid.

Spring Cleaning a bit late

2006-06-02T12:03:00.000-04:00

I hate doing any cleaning that involves large amounts of dust because of allergies! So this is a big thing for me...my cousin and I are going to have a yard sale on the 17th and I really need to get rid of a lot of junk tucked into our attic/crawl space...or other wise known as panic attack land. Add not being able to breath and yikes..anyway you can see why I usually skip it. This time I'm sticking to the plan. This is the year to clean up my life and this is a great place to start as far as I am concerned.
Now if I could just get the rest to be so easy. I'm having a really hard time focusing on the diet plan. My step daughter moved back in and with her came junk food!!! Large amounts of it. (Maybe the reason she went from a size 12 to a 18 in one year). I have tried to stay away from it but its always there! I'm just barely maintaining at the same weight when I should be losing a few pounds a week. I can stay away from it during the day but as soon as night comes there we are sitting up watching TV and snacking. I have tried to suggest that she should go on the diet with me. I have given her her own shelf in the pantry....but the hard part is she likes the stuff and her "room" is our livingroom. So there is no place to hide it. So short of just refusing to let her bring it in the house I don't know what to do.
I have other issues with the situation but this is the one that is bugging me the most. Help!!
On another note I start my next class, Supervision, on Monday. I'm actually looking forward to it. It sounds like a good class plus it gets me out of the house and back around my friends...who I miss so much. One in particular a bit too much but that is a long story probably best left alone. Lets just say its unfinished business from before I was married.
I hope to get around to everyones blog long enough to comment soon...I am reading just not commenting so hi all.

Week #2 of the restart

2006-05-22T13:05:00.000-04:00

I really had hoped that the weigh-in today was going to be better but a loss is a loss so I will take it. My life has seen a few changes in the past week. I love being home with Amy, and I have gotten tons done around the house, but its so strange not to be pushed up all the time. I have a helper now too. A maid...nope, not hardly...Paul....no way in hell...its my step daughter home and soon to be divorced. She has only been here a week but what a great help. I can leave Amy with her and run to the store(and its actually a quick trip like the old days) or I can go tanning for a 1/2 hour and not have to get a sitter. She helps with the laundry and the dishes and has actually been great company for me becaus eshe is a night owl too.
On the weight loss front: My knee is much better for now so I'm hoping in another few weeks I can start walking again or at least go back to swimming. I have been eating pretty much on plan with the exception of a few family get togethers over the weekend. My family has no concept of healthy eating...my mom made extra veggies for me...then proceeded to add butter(not margarine) and salt. UGH! So I ate small portions and drank alot of water..I really think todays weigh in would have been a bit better if it hadn't been for all that salt!! LOL She meant well.
I'm looking forward to starting and online Intro to Stats class next week. Hoping I can get it without the teacher standing in front of me beating it into my head. hahaha From the looks of things I managed a nice 3.67 GPA this term,!! yippy. I even discussed taking over a class I took in'90 and dropped out of...giving me an D-..just so that my Cumm. GPA can be a bit better...we'll see it was outdoor rec 1 and I'm not sure I'm up for canoeing, hiking, winter camping and etc. maybe after i get more of this weight off.
I think thats about it for now...except for a shout out to Bobesq...glad you gave your scale another chance!! LOL And to PaulL...thanks for keeping after me!! It really does help!!

Disappointment

2006-05-15T10:36:00.000-04:00

I knew a few days ago this was going to be a disappointing weigh-in, but not because I wasn't eating correctly! I went to camp on the 6th with my family. I drank a few Twisted Teas and ate a good bit of food, but Monday morning I was all business, NS all week. -- Including all my water!! I had a baby cone of ice cream with my daughter one night during the week but other than that it was all NS food. Still ,today I had lost only 1 lbs. I twisted my knee last weekend while we were at camp, it hurt then but now over a week later it's swollen and still sore as hell. I'm assuming I didn't lose because of the fluid built up in my knee. I have arthritis so I know what I'm dealing with...it has happened before. Nothing a couple of new knees couldn't fix. I had the scope done on the other knee when this happened before and it has help(they remove the shards that have broken free and are floating around in the fluid in my knee). Yeah..sorry about that, its nasty. I'm very disappointed because this will keep me from being able to exercise much until I get it fixed. BUT IT ISN'T GOING TO KEEP ME FROM STAYING ON PLAN AND EATING PROPERLY!!! If I could have stuck with this program when I started a year ago I wouldn't be in the condition I'm in now! And that makes me really mad at myself. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I feel like that Susan Powder screaming about stopping the insanity--minus the inch long blonde hair! LOL
So on to another week. It is nice to be home with my daughter and have a little time off. We have been doing puzzles all morning and now we are off to buy some flowers for the gardens. I know, pretty sad, I usually grow my own but there just weren't enough hours in the day this spring. Have a great week all!

A NS new day!

2006-05-08T08:30:00.000-04:00

Ok here it is I tried to maintain and I think I was ok until I drank Saturday and Sunday. So I'm officially starting over today at 285.2 lbs. I'm not very happy about this but at least I'm not starting over at 299 like last year! SO...here I am back and recommitted. Thanks to all of you that encouraged me just to maintain, you wouldn't believe how helpful that was!!
I'm off to write a paper so I will come back later and update:

Schools almost out!!!

2006-05-04T17:06:00.000-04:00

Well one final down and 2 more to go, but they are just like regular chapter tests so it feels like I'm done already. I have a couple more afternoons at the grammer school and that finishes my volunteer project but I may do it again on a every so often basis next year. I really enjoyed working with the kids....not enough to want to be a teacher...but it was a great project.
I'm looking forward to getting back on NS food again. I have noticed that since I slacked off and have reverted so some of my old habits that my knees have started bothering again. I have gained around 3lbs but I think its the fact that I'm not getting all my water. I can really see a difference in my joints when I cut back on it.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the summer with my daughter. I'm taking one class in June for a couple of weeks then the rest of the summer we are going to enjoy hanging out together. Going to the beach alot so i have been told!! haha She is so much fun now that she carries on little conversations with me and actually understands things I'm telling her. Little sponges!!
FUN!!!

Ok Here it is....the real me!

2006-04-27T16:54:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I can come up with as many as you did Bob but here it goes:

I'm the kind of girl that likes to curl up on the sofa on a rainy day in front of a wood stove and read a book.

I'm the kind of girl that....likes to play in the dirt outside with my daughter.

I'm the kind of girl that...likes to collect books, old and new

I'm the kind of girl that...likes to sit and listen to my grandfather tell stories from his past for hours on end.

I'm the kind of girl that wants my daughter to know all those same stories and to be connected to our past as I have been.

I'm the kind of girl that loves to share a bottle of wine with a good friend while chatting about old times.

And lastly......I'm the kind of girl that loves with wild abandonment (most of the time that one has come back to bite me in the ass) but hell it was fun along the way!!

I really wanted to start NS again but I've come to the conclusion that I am just going to have to wait for school to get out. I start off really well every morning...but by lunch I get the munchies and end up mindlessly buying something from the vending machine...when I'm home I can control my environment. I need to start like that then hopefully by fall semester I'll be able to control my cravings a lot better. So until then....

Silly today!

2006-04-12T15:36:00.000-04:00

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?

You're" Bettie Page!
Take this quiz!

I thought this was hoot! Have a great day all..I am. My daughter and I have played outside all day and now that her nap is over we are off again. Eating has been ok today too. I'm looking forward to my new first weigh in tomorrow!!

What a beautiful day!

2006-04-10T14:20:00.000-04:00

I don't usually say this about Mondays but it had to be said today. Its so nice outside. The sun is shining and it actually spring jacket weather!! haha People are out raking their lawns and cleaning up after the winter.
I love this time of year when everything starts to refresh itself. It gives you a much better outlook on life. The long dark days of winter are gone for another season or two and things that seemed so hopeless only a few short days before are getting easier to take.
I'm happy to say that I'm back at it full force. Today when I got a craving I went outside and worked in the yard and I ate on program all day. I feel so much better when I do I can't imagine letting myself slip back into like I have so many times since last May. I want so badly to be thin again and enjoy life the way I use to. But like Dr phil says I do this for some reason. There has to be a pay-off in it for me somewhere. Well I used to think that was a load of crap until I really sat down and thought about it. I stay fat so that I'm not attractive to other people. Its almost like by staying fat I'm staying in my situation here at home...because who else would want me. For years I have used food to hide all the pain I have felt..I was taught that from a child so of course that what I do now. As soon as the slightest problem occurs I run for the cupboard to fill that void or make myself feel better. All it does these days is make me feel like a failure. I think that's the turning point for me...when something that used to make you feel better becomes your enemy. I don't want to drown myself in chunky Monkey ice cream anymore...in fact I don't even like the way it tastes anymore.
What made this change for me? I think it was finally seeing what I'm missing out on. I wanted so much to look good for an event that just passed but for some reason I kept sabotaging myself. Why??? I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to control the way I was feeling so instead of keeping at it and becoming that thin person I wanted to be... I quit...God forbid I might have hit some of my goals and let myself feel what I wanted to feel. No, instead I hid behind my weight like always. Afraid to experience life. Its been my protection against getting hurt for so long I didn't think I could get by it. But I know I can now. Its not about how shitty my marriage is at times or what ever other crap is going on in my life...its about me and my mindset! If you think you are always going to fail then you are. I can't wait to see the new me and with any luck by this time next year you all will see her to. I said the new me instead of the old me because its a new day and a new mindset. I won't go back to the old ways, I can't!

Life....

2006-04-03T20:21:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder what led me down the path I'm on. Why did God or whoever choose this for me! I couldn't possibly be the one that did this to my life. All I have to do is look at my daughter and I know its the path I was suppose to take, but sometimes I think there was some freak cosmic mix up!! I always thought I was a fairly intelligent person that made "ok" choices most of the time so it has to be a cosmic mistake not mine. Wasn't I suppose to have met a loving caring person to spend the rest of my life with...someone that actually cares about me and what makes me tick?? I couldn't have been the one that did this to myself.
I know I know what the hell is Sherri rambling on about this time!! I have been steadily seeing all that Paul and I don't have in common...he could care less about anything that's important to me except the baby and maybe my family. Other than that we walk on two totally different paths that appear to be moving farther apart instead of closer together. And no it isn't just an optical illusion.
Tonight I made dinner for HIS daughter and son in law and what does he do go out to visit someone and stay gone for more than 2 hours, while at home dinner was getting cold and I was getting hotter and hotter(under the collar that is)! Don't get me wrong I love them so I was glad to make them dinner but....ugh!
Anyway just another blog of me rambling on and on! I guess this is the path I chose and I have to deal with it but wouldn't it be so much easier to blame it on someone or something else!! As for the diet that went fairly well today. I'm running out of breakfast items but I should get a new shipment soon. until then I'm eating Kashi.
Contrary to what I end up writing in here I'm a fairly happy person in the rest of my life I swear!!!!!

I'm back!

2006-03-31T14:52:00.000-05:00

I flew into Bangor last night around 9:30 after a long day of driving and flying. It was a hard job to leave that sun and sand but back to reality for me. The last leg of the flight a guy sat next to me from Lubec so it was fun to have someone from home to chat with.
While in Big Pine Key I spent some time at Bahia Honda state park enjoying the sun and warm water. Evenings we drove into Key West and check out some restaurants and pubs. And the sunsets were beautiful but I have never seen one disappear so fast! I got to see the famed Cat Man on the water front "Hurry up...take your time" Cute.. haha I tried some conch fritters and some Key west pinks both very tasty. I was quite surprised to step on the scale this afternonn and see that I lost 2 lbs while away. But other than a few treats and lots of wine I ate fruit and drank water so it must have all balanced out!
It was a great treat to meet Bob in person. I wish we had more time together but there is always next time! I will be going back as soon as I can( after hurricane season comes and goes for another year that is)! Anyway he is a sweet man and I really enjoyed the time we did squeeze in. There is quite a difference in him now and his last picture back in January! You really are an inspiration Bob!
Amy was sick while I was gone but she's getting better and back to her old self. She loved the teddy bear I found for her and she can't wait for Daddy to get home so she can get her other presents! I think if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have come back. But life has a way of pulling you back to reality......here I am with dinner baking in the oven, laundry going(that Paul piled up all week)...back to losing myself in the day to day details of a humdrum life. I know there is a way to have both, I just need to find the recipe!

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-03-20T16:18:00.000-05:00

I have been planning this trip to the Keys with my cousin for months and today...4DAYS before we are due to leave she tells me she doesn't want to go!!!! UGH!!! I have re-arranged our lives for an entire week so that we could go on the annual girls trip!! My brother and his wife didn't go on vacation this week because Mom had already said she would watch Amy! I hate flying alone but today I said SCREW IT I'm going..we were meeting family there anyway so it won't be too bad once I get there!!! But can you imagine...4 days before we leave and she's felt this way for a while and couldn't figure out how to tell me!
I just really need the break so even if I have to hang out alone and go to the beach...I'm going! Now comes the hard part telling my husband I'm going on a trip alone!!! I wish I could just not tell him but he would find out then think I was lying to him to cover up for something...which by the way I have never done...but the ex did...go figure! I could use some help on this one. I really want to go!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tests Tests and more test!

2006-03-15T13:50:00.000-05:00

Don't these professors ever talk to each other Bob!! haha I have 4 tests in one week, I can handle the accounting and business because they are on 2 seperate days but Art history 2 and Child developement on the same day!!! UGH!! Oh well I guess thats what college is for---learning to deal with tough situations.
I have been going every afternoon to the after school program where I am doing my volunteer project. The kids are so great...I usually get the same little boy every day, he reads out loud to me to practice, then we do math or language arts, but then everyday we have a race...multiplication tables...they give the kids timed tests so every afternoon we forget about the clock and he races to see how many he can do before I get the entire page done! At first he had a hard time focusing because he was worried where I was but I have talked to him about focusing...tuning out the rest of the room...he has gone from 2 rows to my 6 to almost 3 1/2. Yippy!! I don't want to be a teacher but wow how awesome to know you can help a kid. He has been tossed around from home to home and is now living with his grandparents and his big brother. Man do they ever look out for each other. He's been having trouble because he was taken out of and English speaking house just as he was really picking up on his reading. They went to live in Mexico with their Dad and had to attend a spanish only speaking school. This week we read a book about a little boy from mexico that came here and it was so fun to see him feel for the kid in the story! And it was really great to see his face when I was able to dig down deep and find the few spanish sentences I have picked up along the way, and he got a real chuckle out of me remembering how to count to 10 in spanish from watching Seseme Street when I was a kid! haha Anyway he is a real treat to work with!!!
The weight loss has gone into a stall. I want to eat ever piece of sweet food I see and chips of any kind have to be locked down when I'm around lately! I think its a combination of stress and depression...I'm really trying to find my center again.

A nice ordinary day

2006-03-09T13:35:00.000-05:00

It feels like spring today...yeah I know most of the winter has so far this year but today was just extra special. I made it through yesterday with only a few small crying spells but they were over remembering happy memories.
I really enjoyed swim class this morning...had a nice chat with another lady in the class. Just a nice ordinary day!
I have to go to the funeral tomorrow but I think its going to be ok. The kids are really handling it well. They are writing their dad's eulogy. If I make it through that I think the rest should be a breeze.

Tomorrow night I'm going to an art exhibit opening for my Art History teacher. It should be interesting...Paul is set on going with me...I warned him ahead of time that I was staying all evening so if he gets bored I better not hear a word about it! I know it sounds like I'm talking to a kid...but I think he's just going because he is afraid that I'm getting in to doing things with people from school and growing farther away from him...which I guess in reality I am. I have been asking him to take an interest so maybe this is his way of attempting to...we'll see. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.
Next week I have test almost everyday so I probably won't get to write much for a while. Take care all and have a healthy week.
299/277/155

sad sad day

2006-03-08T06:24:00.000-05:00

On my way home from school yesterday my mom called and told me a friend of mine had collapsed at work and died from an apparent heart attack. Of course I said no you mean his dad...and she said no Sherri, I meant Dave! He's 40...we just had his big birthday bash a few month ago...Well I don't handle things like this well so I ended up on the side of the road crying my eyes out. This was a man that has never been over weight a day in his life, always played sports, did pretty much all you are suppose to do. But his family has this unreal history of high cholesterol...even his little 6 year old nephew. He left behind 2 kids that have lived with him since their mom left a few years ago, she was still around but those kids were his whole world and he theirs. This is truely a sad day! I'm going to spend some time there today and Friday helping do what I can do but what will I ever say to those beautiful children or even his Dad for that matter? I guess this is the first person in my adult friend group to actually die from a natural cause. Maybe this is why it has hit me so hard. Am I actually getting that old...well I hope this is the last for years and years.
299/278/155

Snow finally

2006-03-02T14:16:00.000-05:00

This has been the strangest winter here in the northeast. We have had little, almost no snow all winter. I think one storm other than this one. I always thought I hated the snow but I have really missed it this year. There is a serentity in watching ot fall for me. I guess because I drove for so many years when I was working in every kind of weather it doesn't bother me much now.

I think I did really well on the accounting test Wednesday, there was only one fill in the blank question I didn't know the answer to. But the major part of the test was a problem and it came out perfect and all the figures equaled!! yeah!!!

I have been right on the mark this week not eating things I shouldn't but I haven't had the time to spend at the gym this week that I have been. I made it to water aerobics once so far...so I'm hoping for a nice long afternoon in the gym tomorrow. Maybe alittle swimming and an elliptical jog!

I have been really at odds here at home since the whole comment from my husband that I mentioned last time. It seems like not only does he not understand me or the lifestyle I'm trying to lead we also have nothing in common. Its getting worse and worse all the time. Our daughter is the only things we talk about that doesn't involve running the house or paying a bill. I never planned to spend my life like this. I know this is something that should have come up when we were dating...but its a long story...we only dated a short time before we got married. At the time it seemed like the best idea for both of us but now even he feels this weirdness between us. We are on different paths trying to make them merge through the canyon between them. I know marriage is hard but is it really suppose to be this hard?? I really wonder sometimes. I don't want to give up on it, I want to give it every chance possible but how long do I stay feeling the way I do? I say it that way because he won't walk away...he tried so hard with his first marriage he let his exwife live in the house and date her new boyfriend while he was trying to win her back!! What do you do with that...UGH!
I feel alone even when he's here. I try to talk to him about things I have learned at school or something that interests me and he looks like I'm pulling his fingernails out with a pair of pliers. I just don't want to feel like that anymore, but I don't want to be a failure either! UGH!!!!!
I'm writing all this because it makes this whole process that much harder when you don't feel the support you are craving from the one person that should be your rock. Sometimes I feel like I get more support from my old friends than I do from my husband...I may not understand how a marriage is suppose to work in alot of ways but I do know that shouldn't be.

Has it been that long??

2006-02-23T11:07:00.000-05:00

Wow! Ok Paul I guess I need to post!!

I had no idea it had been so long since my last post. I have been at a stand still with the weight loss. Its my fault with no one to blame but big ol' me. It seems like every bit of will power that I had is gone. I went shopping the other day and actually bought a bag of double stuff oreos~~~ UGH then I came home and ate most of them. I have no excuses other than I am weak. I'm still exercises everyday of the week so my weight hasn't moved a bit but just imagine how much I could have lost by now if I had just been sticking to NS!
Well this morning I got out of bed and went to the cupboard with a trash bag to purge my life of junk. The baby and my husband don't need this crap either! I hate to waste food like that but it had to be done. I kept the peanut butter for Amy but other than that its all gone.
Now on to phase 2. This is where I need help!! Do I send my husband shopping from now on or what?? haha I just need to get my mind back in the right spot. I have let my mind wander to places I shouldn't have. I found a restaurant not to far from school that has egg beater and fresh fruit on the menu so I have been stopping there some mornings. 2 owners and a worker there have had "the surgery" and lost massive amounts of weight. Well I actually sat down with one of them last week and talked about the entire thing. Its the less invasive type with the scope instead of the big cut! I know, I know...I can do this on my own. But this is so tempting especially when I was telling my husband about it and his comment is "well I think you should do it because you're never going to do it on your own"!!! I was so hurt by that! He might be right but maybe the next time I really try I will be able to do it! Its like he has already given up on me. He said its because he's worried about my knees and thinks that it will take too long to lose it this way. I haven't gained back the weight I have lost so far so I'm pretty sure I won't go backwards. Maybe this was his way of motivating me...haha...(he knows I hate to be pissed off. And when I get pissed no one better get in my way! (I highly doubt it) but you never know.)
This has been vacation week and its made me think. I really am looking forward to the summer break. I may take one of the may-term classes that run for 3 weeks but after that I really think I will take the summer off to spend with my daughter. I have been inspired by Sue's and Barry's clean sweep posts. I would love to be on that show by the way! I have no organizational skills...well I use to when it was just me and I had a huge house but this house doesn't have one inch of spare room. I could really use a professional organizer!

WOW this has really jumped around today! I guess I really do need to blog more often! I think Barry has it right, it really holds you responsible for what you are doing to yourself and for yourself!!!

Cleaning day!

2006-02-04T11:39:00.000-05:00

I have been so busy this week. I started my volunteer project for Lifespans class this week. Homework helper for 3rd and 4th graders!! Too funny--they put me at a table full of boys! To say the least its a bit challenging to get 9 year olds to sit still after being in school all day but I had a blast.
I have been to the gym everyday this week except for today. We are going tomorrow as a family...early enough so I can exercise then we are alll going swimming with a friend of mine and her daughter. Should be fun.
On the food front I haven't done so well this week. I have been working my butt off in the gym then destroying it all with the crap I put in my mouth! I start out with eating an NS friendly breakfast but then it goes all to hell. I have tried not taking change for the vending machine but somehow I always end up eating junk. I stopped for coffee the other morning and ended up having breakfast with my friends...they were eating some yummy looking muffins so what do I do... order one! Then I ate some chips that my friend Sarah brought to class. I have no excuses though I have no one to blame except myself on this one. I have a new buddy to do this with so she is going to keep me responsible about what I am putting in my mouth!! I think I will even start blogging what I eat everyday too! I tried to keep up with the diary online but I just didn't have the time. This I could squeeze in between classes or something.
Next week is my week all the exercise is going to come together with better eating!!!

Sundays of the past

2006-01-29T10:18:00.000-05:00

Here I go again complaining....but this is the only place I can do it without causing an uproar at home. Paul made me a promise when we had Amy that Sundays would be ours! Well that lasted a long time. It started with "well I'll be back by the time you 2 get up" then it was after we had breakfast or by the time we are ready to leave and now today we are sitting here waiting until 12 or 1 for him to get done working before we can spend anytime together. It didn't really start digging at me until today when Amy and I were making pancakes this morning and she said we had to make more for daddy when he got up. I told her daddy was working and she started to cry. She knows on the day we go visit grammie and grampie that we have family time first. I got her to stop crying by making some for daddy too! He just stopped home for a few minutes and now she is upset again because he left! Its one thing to disappoint me all the time but he isn't doing this to my daughter! I guess I really need to do or say something drastic to give him a wake up call. This has to be nippe din the bud!
As for the weight loss its been going well but slow. I have been doing the elliptical 2 days a week for 20 minutes and water aerobics 2 days for 1 hour each time. I haven't been getting in all the water or the food so I guess this week I am going to get back on the wagan and get this thing moving a bit faster or I won't reach my next goal.
** On a good note, I have made some friends at school and don't feel like the old lady anymore!! I have even found one to workout with so that part of my life is really on an upturn!**
**I finally heard from a friend of mine that has been a bit missing lately...glad to know he is ok...and I hope all the pieces come together soon.**

woo hoo for me!

2006-01-21T09:44:00.000-05:00

Well its been awhile since something this cool happened to me!! I got up this morning and grabbed a pair of jeans out of the draw, put them on and went about my day!!! (No----I usually wear pants thats not the cool part!) Anyway last night I took them off because I thought wow these didn't get really loose by the end of the day like jeans fresh from the drier do after wearing them all day! THEY TURNED OUT TO BE A 22! I haven't worn them in a long time, but they fit! How cool is that, not a size 8 yet but I have to work my way back slowly! This time I really feel like I can do it! These sizes are all I have in my closet so I have worn them for alot of years now! I can't wait until its time to shop for an 20 or even and 18!! Maybe I will skip right over the 20's..LOL a girl can wish right??.
On to the week.
I started the water aerobics this week and its awesome. It feels like you are playing in the water but when you get out your legs feel like lead weights! Anyone with joint problems looking for something that won't hurt I highly recommend it! It was also the first exercise class where I didn't feel like a freak because I weighed more than 125 lbs!! Almost everyone was fat and looked like hell in a swimsuit! haha great to have company! hahahahaha
I am finding it hard to eat all the food while I am at school but I'm getting in the basics and a few of the added foods, like salad and fruit. I really need to find something that is easy to carry around and not have to worry about refrigerating---protien I guess is really what I'm missing the most often and I know I really need this for the workouts. I may actually have to go to the caf and get and egg or something.
Hope you all have a good week and keep up the good work!
299/277?/159

Time to myself

2006-01-15T15:48:00.000-05:00

Sundays are great for taking a little time for yourself to think, and in my case, plan. While Amy was watching a movie I took the time to fill out my day planner for the semester so its already for adding special projects and appointments. I also took the time to fill in the same goals I have listed on my NS profile. I really want to be reminded on a daily basis how I am doing. I have also scheduled in "my time"---afternoons at the college gym. I think along with the water aerobics I will be able to get in plenty of activity to meet my goals. I have also made a place to put my weekly weigh -in as another reminder...YOU WOULD THINK DRAGGING MY FAT ASS ACROSS CAMPUS WOULD BE ENOUGH OF A REMINDER!!!! I just think this will be the extra thing I need to walk away from the vending machines and stick to plan.
I love depending on my NS friends and yahoo 100% challenge friends to keep me from eating but once school starts back up I won't have the time to chat very often so I need to find some self motivation. I will try to keep blogging because I feel it helps me talk out the problems I'm encountering. I do look forward to the comments and leaving them for others. It is very comforting to know you aren't alone on this long journey.
I was reading Bob's blog yesterday and I just got thinking about all he said. To me this time is different because I want to do this for me first then for my family. I hate not being able to wear sexy little outfits or buying sexy shoes(they aren't as pretty in wide). I want the energy back that I once had...actually the love of life that I used to have! I don't want my daughter thinking that this is how a person should be just because I was. I want her to be proud of herself and be happy and active!
I'm looking forward to my classes and the chance that one of my professors is offering. Instead of a long drawn out paper or project our teacher is offering a chance become involved in the community, to help others through volunteer work. We can choose the place and the time and he says how many hours we need to do to complete the requirements. I have missed being involved like I was before I moved to the end of the earth. I raised money and walk for several charities a year, I worked with the youth group at my church, and worked with a local homeless shelter that provided essentials for people trying to get back on their feet. I really enjoyed this stuff ...I think its a journey back to myself. The things I "used" to be and do. In a way my marriage has given me things but in other ways its been a slow chipping away of the person I liked being. Maybe I was just single way to long!
Anyway...hoping that the scale is as good to me tomorrow as it was this morning! 299/279?/159 I know I have been here along time to only be at the 20lb mark but to me its a big part of my refocusing, A MAJOR HURDLE CROSSED!!!

Too Funny

2006-01-14T12:10:00.000-05:00

what decade does your personality live in?

quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd

That is too funny! I got this from Jan's blog. I even had this hair for awhile!! Thanks for the flashback Jan!!

Having a cold isn't always a bad thing

2006-01-12T22:20:00.000-05:00

I have been so good the last couple of days...my cold has me all stuffed up and unable to taste anything so the number on the scale as really been heading downward. Hell of a way to do it but I have been eating everything I was suppose to just not any free foods or nibbles of anything off plan. I hope this loss lasts through the weekend, I'd really like to hit that 20lb mark for monday. I head back to school on Wednesday. Back to my regular routine minus the junk food and adding the gym! 2 days a week of water aerobics and 3 days a week of the weight room and ellipitcal machine! I am actually excited about it. I'm really tired of being fat, out of shape, and tired of being tired all the time.
I have a few days left to finish up the paper I owe a teacher from last semester. He really helped me out by giving me the extention so I hope its worth the wait.
The babe is feeling better but not completely over it yet. I hope soon though for her sake. Its so hard to see them sick and not really be able to do anything but hug and kiss them or rock them to make it go away. I have really enjoyed these 3 weeks being home with her. We have had a blast!!! She hasn't really been a cuddler since she started sleeping in her own room. She was a year old before I let Paul move her crib out of our room. Every night I rocked her to sleep in my arms, then we decided to try getting her to go down on her own and poof she never wanted to be rocked again! I was the only one upset about it...she didn't even cry the first time we put her to bed awake! I have no idea whereI was going with this. Just rambling on so I guess this enough for one day!

Feeling a bit off

2006-01-06T23:11:00.000-05:00

I am having a really hard time not eating at night after my family goes to bed. I try to do things to keep my mind busy but eventually the cravings win out and I end up eating something....its been NS desserts or sugar free pudding but its not part of my 100% plan. I am really upset with myself because I do so well all day long only to mess up in the night. I have tried going to bed early..if I could sleep this would be the answer but I end up tossing and turning and getting back up. Tonight I'm drinking water and that helps but I will be up like 3 times during the night. I wish I could find something to curb these cravings!!! UGH!
I do try to save my dessert for later but end up eating it when my husband eats his just before 8. This makes me so mad. I really wish I could have more self control. When I am alone during the day I do so well, put add my husband and step daughter at dinner and next thing you know...poof I am stuffing more food in my mouth!

BIrthday Girl

2006-01-05T13:51:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL!!! Thats right she's the big 2 today! I am 100% on food and she and I went for a :45 minute walk already today. Yippy me! This thing won't let me add a photo today for some reason but I'll keep trying. Not much else to talk about today so have a good day all! I'm back to working on my paper. Thanks to Jen...the site helped a bunch!!

First Day of the 100% 100 day challenge!

2006-01-04T09:53:00.000-05:00

Ok well I am off and running, one small niche in the plans but nothing we can't handle. My sitter's daughter has the croup so no daycare for the rest of the week. I have a paper to write and Paul's books to do before school starts on the 18th. I think I will try to do the books this week then work on the paper next week while she is at daycare. I have never written an APA paper before so its a bit of a challenge in itself. Anyone out there that knows anything about it would be a God sent right now.!! Ok back to the weight loss. I feel less bloaty today..if I can use that as a real word. Maybe I am losing already. I am really trying this time to stay away from the daily weigh in by putting my scale in the closet but its driving me nuts...maybe I need to see it everyday to stay focused. I tried to practice the 100% yesterday but found out I am not so good at not tasting things while I am cooking. So new plan for tonight. I am making my husband something he loves but I hate...temptation gone!! haha might work...until I get the cravings under control. I forgot how much drinking all the water is a pain in the ass! I'm getting my workout in climbing up and down our stairs! Cheaper than a stairmaster at least!! LOL
Ok---I need to get to work so GOOD LUCK ALL! 100% from today on!

A New Day!!

2006-01-01T20:30:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in quite awhile because I haven't been following NS at all. I just stopped fighting the tide and went with the flow in my household for the last month or so and it isn't paying off. I am back at 284 which is the same place I left off so its time to get back at it. I joined the 100day challenge(Thank you Sheryl) which starts on the 4th. I have decided to start tomorrow just to get myself built up and back on the right track by Wednesday.
My little girl is turning 2 on the 5th!! Yippy Amy! I need to be healthy for her. She is copy-catting me in everything we do...right down to saying her knees hurt when she gets up from playing on the floor!!! The first time she said it I felt like crawling in a hole. Now I have noticed that everytime I have something not so healthy she wants it too! I won't let my little girl fight this battle her whole life like I did. My parents taught me to use food like they do and I am teaching her the same thing and it stops today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have 2 weeks to get back on plan before school starts. The day school starts I start a water aerobics class too! I bought a swimsuit and also a new pair of sneakers for the gym/weightroom. I have scheduled my classes so that I have enough time between them to take full advantage of the gym THAT I CAN USE FOR FREE as a student! I went a few times last semester and met with a trainer but my mind wasn't on it. MY MIND HAS TO BE ON IT OR I WILL DIE never seeing my little girl grow up. My blood pressure has been through the roof lately. Headaches everytime you bend over is not a good thing! I have too much that I want to do before I die to deal with this crap! No more excuses....I am tired of being fat. Here is my list of reasons so that I can come back and remind myself from time to time:
** I want to be here to see my little angel get married and have grand children.
** I want to be able to play and run with her for more than a few minutes at a time.
** I want to be healthy so I feel good about myself again
** I want to break the cycle of bad habits that I inherited
** I want to be able to run again(only way I can get a new knee is if I lose alot of weight)
** I'd like to be able to ride a bike again
** And last but not least---I'd like to wear a bathingsuit in public without a mumu covering it!!!!!!!!! LOL

I also have some resolutions for the new year that need to be addressed to:
1. unclutter my office
2. organize my house and life to make life easier
3. make a schedule and stick to it
4. go grocery shopping and only buy what is on my list
5. Lose at least 100 lbs during 2006
6. stick to the 100 day challenge
7. Learn how to add my blog to my profile and revamp my blog
8. Stop shopping on line so much and stick to a budget so that we can pay off all our bills by the end of 2006.
9. Start making weekly payments to our savings
10. keep up putting things in my daily calendar
11. Blog at least every other day

I guess this enough for one post! I have a lot to do in 2006 but the time has come for no more games! No more excuses!!! No more bullshit!!! I deserve better than what I have been settling for!!!!!!!!

In the Christmas Spirit

2005-12-14T10:02:00.000-05:00

We put our tree up last night! It wasn't finished when the baby went to sleep so this morning when she got up she was standing in the livingroom saying "OOO MOMMA oooo pretty" !! How awesome is that! She was still to little last year and didn't care about it much so I couldn't wait for her to see it!! If that doesn't put a person in the Christmas spirit not much could. The wonder in her little eyes was priceless.
Well today is 3 yearsof wedded bliss with Paul.( well not all bliss but you know what I mean) He got me a beautiful card and a musicbox. Inside the box was a little pin with a saying that went with it so I thought I would share it. (ps the box plays the theme from Endless Love.) This was way better than the ring he bought me last year because I know he really put some thought into it!

I Love You Angel

Although I seldom tell you so,
it true
You make my world a brighter place,
just because you're you,
To see you sad is really more than
I can bear,
But to see you smile is my delight, for
I do so care,
So wear this "Thoughtful" little angel,
please do,
And you will hear the whisper of its wings
shout, "I Love You!"

I guess this means I can't pick on him and tell him he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body! (He found one or two!!)

COLD!!!!!!!!

2005-12-07T11:01:00.000-05:00

I made the mistake of going outside today!! UGH ITs is so f'n cold....I am so not looking forward to this winter and it's the first one in years that I don't have to spend 8 hours a day driving. But for some reason it seems horrible this year.
I 'm taking a break from working on my paper. I love being so busy because I don't remember how hungry I am. I know it will pass in a few days. Getting back on the program slowly. Paul has said he will make his own dinner...see I would do really well all day on my own then when it came dinner time I would cook things that I knew he liked..and then sit down and eat them with him. It was like opening a flood gate or something...from that point on I would eat until I couldn't find anything else. And that is alot of eating since I stay up until 1 most nights later on others. If I'm working or chatting I forget about it but when I am just sitting on my butt watching tv forget about it.
I think the classes I'm taking next semester (water aerobics and weight training) will really help boost my metabolism...or at least make me tired so I go to bed instead of staying up half the night!! haha
Good day all. I hope its a great one. S

Hi All!

2005-12-06T16:42:00.000-05:00

I have been so bad at keeping up on this thing! School is sucking the life out of me right now! I am ready for Christmas though!!! Yippy me. First time in years I won't be rushing around the day before because I forgot something.
I'm working on a paper for psychology class...first time in years I have had to write a 12 page report ..hell...any report for that matter. I keep putting it off like it is going to get easier or something! Kind of sounds familiar..I have been doing that with my weight my entire life..."oh its not that bad yet..I'll go on a diet when I get here...ok when I get here...or when I finish this or that!!" Endless cycle of bullshit lies to myself. I think next weeks weight in will be much better and back on track!! Time will tell.

Serious about getting serious

2005-11-27T15:39:00.000-05:00

Today has been a real reality check for me! I stepped on the scales and much to my dismay I had gained 8 lbs from my last weigh in. Some of this is easily explained by nature but no way in hell is it all from that! It is the middle of the day when I'm weighing in too so I will check again in the morning to be sure! I really need to get this weight off. I think I have been getting these headaches lately because I have high blood pressure! It is often found in my family so it is very likely! I have to get my ass in gear for my little girl. I can't be doing this foolishness anymore.
I have tried every motivation on the planet so maybe the fear of stroke or death will get my ass moving! I have been 100% today so far and I signed up for my fall classes a few minutes ago! 8am 3 days a week water aerobics. I have chosen a schedule this sememter that will allow me time during the day to go to the gym instead of having to plan for a sitter to be able to stay. I will be going 5 days a week this time so on the tuesdays and thursdays I will be able to do weight training. Hopefully this will really help me out, mixed with remembering to drink all the water. Those are my new goals. I may even strap on my pedometer after reading how many calories have to be burned to lose 150 lbs!!(Thanks Karon and Paul) Here's to getting my ass in gear and my head on straight! My little Angel needs me forever. And I have too many things I want to do and people I want to meet to keep screwing around.

morning all

2005-11-14T10:30:00.000-05:00

I don't have much to say today....I got up this morning and decided it was time I did some measurements. This is my motivation to kick myself in the butt. I couldn't bring myself to do a picture...this is bad enough. I'm stealing Bob's personal challenge in a way...if I don't make a change in these numbers by the end of the NS BLOGGER Challenge I am going to post a picture of myself that I hate! I know someone out there will hold me to it!

11/14/05

Wrist- 7.5
lower arm 12.5
upper arm 19
Waist 47
Hips 52
Ankle(Part that has fat on it) 12
just below knee(part that swells with bad knee) 21.5
bust(under) 44
bust(over) 55
thigh 31

If this doesn't get me motivated I don't know what will! My damn thigh is the same size my waist was in college! SAD SAD!

update: 11/15/05
Ok Bob....since I need to be that accurate I will re-measure some parts a bit closer later today and adjust the numbers if need be. Ok how about 5 inches off the total, should be able to do more but I have to compensate for the knee issue so I will stick with 5 inches. What do you think??

FB Friday...Why Not

2005-11-11T11:17:00.000-05:00

I wrote this all out once then lost it so lets try again. I have a story that maybe explains a bit more about why I wrote my last post.

In the fall of 1988 I went to college about 30 minutes from where I grew up. I lived on campus but didn't really want to be there. I went to work at my Aunt's restaurant that winter to make a few extra bucks. I was thin and kinds cute back then so I had men hitting on me all the time. One day this gorgeous man sat down at the counter and I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was about 43 and had salt and pepper hair and these eyes that melted you everytime you looked into them. He liked to flirt and was well known for it. Of course I flirted back every chance I got. He came in one day and was bummed because his girlfriend left him and went back to her ex-husband. I listened and told him hey if you need to chat with someone give me a call and I gave him the number for my room. He called later on that weekend and asked me to go bowling with him. They had been on a couples league and he needed a partner for the last few games. I went every Sunday and we had a blast. He would pick me up early in the day and we'd go for a ride maybe out to eat then back to bowl. Sometimes go to his house after for a movie. Very platonic until one day I just kissed him! Well that started it! My parents found out that was why I had skipped all my classes and gotten .5 GPA. They told me to stop seeing him(he was 2 years older than my Dad) and of course that went over well!! I moved in with him a few days later and stayed with him for the next year. Well that's the back ground info...now the story.
We lived in a old house with a open loft room. We moved our bed up there so we could look at the stars at night through the skylights. I was scared to death of lightning. One night we had the most terrible storm and I was freaked. He got me up and we stood in front of the bay window and watched it. He was behind me with his arms wrapped around me! It was beautiful..chain lightning...lots of color. That had to be the most romantic night of my life. We stood there until it stopped then well lets just say the rest of the evening was even more amazing. (I run to look out the window during a storm nowand can still feel his arms wrapped around me). I ended up moving out a year from the day I moved in because I really missed my family(they didn't speak to me for a year).
We became friends again eventually. He never lived with anyone else after me. He came to my house for dinner every time I invited him and then in the summer of 1997 he became sick. He lived too far from the hospital so I invited him to come stay with me. I changed everything that was going on in my life to take care of him but in no way do I regret it. He moved in during August and stayed until he was sent to a veterans hospital in Mass. sometime in November. We talked hours on end and regained the closeness we had once shared. He was so sick that it was just a friendship but I still wouldn't have traded it for the world. The day I took him to Mass.(I couldn't stay with him) I kissed him good bye and out of the blue I told him I loved him. He hugged me back and said I know you do...and kissed my forehead. I never got to see him again. I had no vacation time left until the first of the year when I planned to go see him. We were hit by an ice storm (I worked for an electric co) so I ended up working --all vacation time cancelled until after---On the 25th my second day off after the storm repair was done, he passed away.
I didn't mean for this to be a sad story, it isn't to me anymore. I cherish the time I got to spend with him! I have to say that he was the most romantic man I have ever known and this is why I have never been able to be happy with a man that isn't! Most women would say wow bowling and watching lightning but really you had to be there...it was all in the delivery! Not fair I know but its just the way it is.

For my weight loss!! I hope its going to get a big kiss in the ass. I have an exercise challenge going on with a friend of mine so hopefully we can motivate each other.

Friday!!

2005-10-28T16:12:00.000-04:00

Wow I was thinkning today how excited I used to get when it was Friday afternoon...And I only had minutes left before my weekend. Now I actually look forward to Mondays!! The weekends were once times to take off with Paul for our weekly adventures...Now its the baby and I hanging out at the house and taking care of all the things I didn't get done during the week. Paul told me the other day that once I got him I stopped trying...I have thought a lot about that for the last few days. He used to do a lot more than he does now too. We don't need money so badly that he has to work all these hours. He took time for me once upon a time(while he was doing the same job). Now I say who is taking who for granted! I know,I know its both of us!! I really miss having fun together. If nothing else we always had a good time finding things to do. He used to go for walks with me or buy me flowers once in awhile but now...ZIP! No time or "its a waste of money".
I don't mean to be bitching again, I just needed a vent and I guess I feel comfortable saying it here. I need to say it to my husband but I am pretty sure it will lead to the rest of the topic. Just how un happy I am in this town and this marriage. I hate being an hour from my family and yes....I miss my old life. That isn't his fault of course...Its mine for getting married in the first place.
I love being a Mom and having Amy don't get me wrong....I just know there is suppose to be more. I know that real life isn't all romance and flowers but.......Why the hell not. Who ever said that it all had to end once you said I do!! I want to be and feel loved with wild abandonment. What is wrong with that I ask. So sometimes it has to be scheduled but at least it happens! And no I'm not talking about sex...I mean old fashioned romance that most people don't even understand...But Iu have had it and I want it again damn it!!
Ok enough of my ramblings...I need to make dinner, fold the laundry , start the dishes, finish vacuuming and oh yeah..Find time to fit some romance in to my life!! HAHAHAHA
How the hell do I always do this...I used my diary as a kid to vent all my anger too. I wish a wise person could tell me how to make a good mix and have a little bit of it all!
The weight issue....Well....We'll see come Monday! Hopefully this week is better than last week!

Memories

2005-10-16T09:24:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted for awhile and it seems like everytime I do its because I'm upset and have no one to listen to me. My husband is void of all emotions!! The man never cries and thinks people that do are being foolish (or at least thats how he makes me feel). We went to my family camp yesterday afternoon when he finally got home from work. It should have been a wonderful time, but of course my Gram was there and I just couldn't handle it last night. She was more confused then normal because there were so many people there, so she was having trouble even focusing on my name and the fact that I have a baby. I really feel that it is too much for her to be in that kind of situation anymore.
I sat with her and we talked about my memories of the past and all that she used to do for my brother and I. She is the reason I love to cook, or for that matter, know anything femimine. My mom was a bit of a tomboy type. Gram listened like it was completely foreign to her. All she could say was thats good dear...with a blank stare in her eyes.
Don't get me wrong I cherish everyday that we still have with her but its like we are going through the greaving while she is still here. I miss her so much.
My brother has a hard time with it to...so in a strange way she has brought us closer together. We stood outside in the mist talking about it and crying!
So needless to say I had a very bad eating day yesterday. You think I am an emotional eater by any chance. I am back on plan today but now I am left with the bad taste my husband left in my mouth(so to speak). I really wanted him to see where i was coming from and be my shoulder to lean on....but all I got was just be happy she was there. I AM, DAMN IT! I JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!! To comfort me or baby me just this once! So yet again I was sitting up by myself hoping to find one of my friends to talk to. All though I never did find one I did get a quick note that made me smile for a few minutes. Thank you for that!!
This is the whole problem with my marriage. I alway feel like my emotions and thoughts are gettting dismissed! This is suppose to be a place of comfort. Instead I feel like a kid that he thinks doesn't know any better. I am an intelligent person, I don't need to be treated like I am stupid...why do I put up with this!!

Seasons out of time!

2005-10-05T09:21:00.000-04:00

I can't wait until the weekend. The fall leaves are in their full colors here already! It has been a tradition in my family since I was a kid to get the entire family together at camp on Columbus day weekend. Its so much fun now that we all have babies. See I came froma small family, just my brother and myself and one cousin that belonged to my Dad's only sister. My mother's only sibling died 5 years before I was born and never had any children so there were just 9 of us most of our life. Then along came Tom's wife and then my cousin Terry got married and then I did. We each have had a child and Terry has just had a second one. So that brings the total up to 16, or I guess 17 because my mom's mom is widowed and comes along now too. It sounds like a mess but we work it out. Its so much fun!! Watching those babies run around and play together just like we used to. I think the best part of it is watching my 85 year old grandfather with the girls. He is the sole caretaker of my gram(who has alzheimer's), by choice not that we haven't offered to help. The time he spends with the girls lifts a weight off his shoulders, you can see it in his face. Its goes from tired and worn to the biggest grin on the planet. Its worth all the confusion in the world. I just wish we could freeze those moments in time and send them home with him to enjoy over and over. I have to say that man is my hero! I have worked my whole life to make them proud of me and now I finally feel like this is one thing that he is proud of!! I named the baby after his sister so maybe she just has a special place in his heart but I have never seen him so happy!!
Enough of my ramblings for one day. Have a healthy and happy day all and enjoy your family and friends to the fullest.

A day made better

2005-10-02T13:57:00.000-04:00

I have to say that today was pretty much sh*t, I got up way later than I should have and I don't have one thing accomplished that I planned to. But then the phone rings and I have a whole new outlook on the tasks ahead of me. As soon as I finish this I am going to start on my homework with a smile on my face because I feel like I have a friend in my corner! Thank you!!
We are having dinner at 5:00 at my in-laws to welcome home our soldier boy. I truly hope letting him leave in 2 weeks isn't too much for my step daughter to handle. She was so depressed before he came home and I'm worried about what her state will be like when he leaves for another 6 to 9 months. 21 years old an in a first marriage, a new situation...it has all been to overwhelming for her. Coupled with her Dad marrying me and a bunch of new boyfriends in and out of her mom's life the girl has had a rough 3 years. I love her like she is my own so of course her pain is mine. I pray I can find the words to comfort her.
My brother that never really has anything nice to say to me paid me a NSV of sorts yesterday. I hadn't seen him since I got back on NS and he said yesterday that he could tell I was losing weight. Very surprising!! He and I have always been like day and night..he was a runner in school and never weighed over 150 in his life. Today of course he has gained a bit but is still skinny as a rail in my eyes!! It was just a nice thing to hear maybe because I know he really did notice a change or he wouldn't have said it. In the past he wouldn't have said something nice to me if his life depended on it even if he had noticed the slightest of change. Nice to grow isn't!!

Wow, what a night!

2005-09-30T08:46:00.000-04:00

The wind screamed here almost all night. We have stuff all over the front lawn so I guess I know what I'll be doing after I get home from taking the cat to the vet. I am scared to death to hear what she has to say. The cat won't stop getting sick and she's 10+years old. She has been my cat since the day she was born. I saved her because her mother had gotten too tired delivering all her brother and sisters. I broke the sack open and gave her to her mother. (yeah I know nasty) but it had to be done. I have always picked her up and rubbed her tummy and still to this day she loves it so much she drools!! Weird I know! Anyway she is my best bud so I hope she is ok!!
Homework is about all that is calling for my attention today so I guess I should get to it. The sun is shining and its definately fall here now so I am going to run to camp tomorrow and enjoy it!
I almost forgot I go to the airport tonight to greet our son in law who is coming home from Afganistan on his mid-tour leave. I am so proud of my step daughter because it is going to take all the strength she has to see him return in a few weeks! She has done amazingly well so far considering they have already been apart longer than they have been married! Their 1st anniversary will be while he is home so at least they will have that together! We are also planning Christmas and Thanksgiving while he's here too! And somehow he is going to go out on the big Moose hunt with Paul too. Yes for the first time in 20 years of applying he was chosen in the lottery this year! I think it sounds like heaven.....three whole days or a week alone!! well Amy and I that is. Speaking of that I need to get her to the sitters before I miss the vet appt. Have a good day all.

2005-09-30T08:45:00.000-04:00

In a weird place

2005-09-29T20:09:00.000-04:00

I am so totally in a weird place. I so want to lose weight this time and really stick to it, but I'm getting absolutely no support here at home. I am, from my friends and that adds a whole new dimension to the problem. I 'm starting to resent my family for not really caring, or maybe its more like a lack of saying they care. I have tried many times in the past and ended up falling off the wagon so maybe they think I will fail again so why get their hopes up?? Whatever it is I don't know what I should do. Do I say something to them and hear the truth about how they feel or just keep doing this alone.
I have been trying so hard this time and my husband knows it! Yet tonight he brings home my favorite ice cream to have while we watch a movie!! I got really mad and accused him of trying to keep me fat so I wouldn't leave him. Of course this didn't go over well as that very thing has happened to him once already with his ex. Of course I didn't mean it ...I think anyway. I want my daughter to have both her parents but if one of us can't even show respect for the other and their wishes..what kind of an example is that for her.
I've been very torn about this for awhile. I have talked about it with my husband but he has no time to really talk about this in depth right now so I will wait.
I thank God that through all this I have found someone I can really talk to and I think this person feels as comfortable talking to me. We joke about lots of things that maybe we shouldn't but for me its been my lifeline and helped me stay on track and in the program! I would love to thank this person from the bottom of my heart for reminding me I have to do this for myself then for all the other reasons like my daughter. Without someone that listens and cares this old life is a long hard road. I really hope I can get this through my husbands head before its to late. Sooner or later I'm going to stop trying to fit it all together.

Too Awesome My Friend!

2005-09-26T09:31:00.000-04:00

I have to give a shout out to Bob! He has worked so hard and is down under the 300's!!! How completely awesome is that!! Way to go my friend!

I weighed in today and am down just three lbs so my numbers are now 299/284/149...with a couple of mini goals 250 by Christmas and 199 by April vacation! I hope to do better but I want to be realistic!

The baby has a rash on her tummy since camp yesterday so we are off to Bangor for the doctors! I will get the rest of my homework done sometime!! I guess ....as long as my peanut is safe and sound nothing else matters!

have a good day all!

Family Day

2005-09-25T09:56:00.000-04:00

Today the baby and I are off to spend the day with my family at our camp in the woods. Its so far from everything...no phones, no people, no running water, no "indoor" plumbing.....but overall it is awesome. The leaves are just starting to change but when they do its the most scenic place around. Its about three miles off a main highway then another mile or so in a private road. Just a small place with a couple of large rooms, a wood stove for heat and a propane one for cooking. There are gas lights and sometimes we run a generator for pleasures like football on Thanksgiving Day. When my parents and grandparents were younger we snowshoed in during the winter and had a new years party for the family. It was great as a kid...I can't wait to share it with Amy. We always took nature walks with Grampie and he taught us about different plants and animals. It was always an amazing adventure!
My Dad is looking forward to sharing it with the kids too...it makes him so happy to have us there. My grandfather still goes at 85 and has almost as much fun as he did when I was a child.
So enough typing we are off for the day! Have a good day all!S

I've been Tagged!

2005-09-24T11:51:00.000-04:00

6 Things I want to Do:
Raise my daughter to love life and achieve all she can
Finish college before I turn 40!!
make the dean's list
go to Australia
retire at 55
love with complete abandonment!

6 Things I can Do
laugh and make milk come out my nose
make people smile
cry(some people don't know how)
use my imagination
play 2 musical instuments
make the dean's list!!

6 Things I can't Do
run
stop playing snood!
wear a bathing suit/shorts in public
say no to a charity
say no to my daughter when she asks for a balloon in the store!
retire at 55(my daughter will still be in college)

6 Things that make me attractive to the opposite sex
my eyes
my laugh
the way I twirl my hair when I am nervous
my personality..happy happy
my smile
a few pounds ago...my chest

6 Things I say all the time
give me a break
Amy Megan!!!!!!
Charlottte's web again...ok.
not!
I'm so old(at college)
YUMMY!

6 Celebrity Crushes
Sean Connery
Richard Chamberlain
Russell Crowe(its something about those phone throwers)
Liam Neison
Colin Firth
Paul Newman

I don't know enough people yet to tag so if you read these leave me a comment and take it from there...your tagged!

Study...Today...do I have to Mom??

2005-09-21T10:57:00.000-04:00

I have no desire to study today but I must. Tomorrow is the first big psych test, and of course when I woke up this morning its sunny and gorgeous outside.....I would go out and study if the wind wasn't screaming! Oh the life of a responsible adult?$?!#?":%!!^&** ...such is life.
I'm going to have a smile on my face no matter what today! Life is good! Amy slept until 10:00 this morning....guess who else did!!! I haven't slept that well in years, I didn't even think I could still do it. Now I have to shut up and get my butt to work because she will be home from the sitters at 4. Have a good day all!

rainy days and tuesdays

2005-09-20T14:58:00.000-04:00

I was late for my first class this morning! It's the one with all the young kids, on top of it I had to go get a password because I didn' t know I needed one...but the only empty seat was by the smart kid so I was up to speed in no time. Except for that little slip the day has been great! I didn't even mind the rain this afternoon for some reason.
I got all my housework done early this morning and was all ready to go...when I opened the door a little kitten came running in the house and wouldn't let me pick it up. It just stood there going from hissing to purring! I was scared to death it would scratch Amy so I got her in the car and then came in to do battle... I won after a bit but now the thing is outside the front door meowing its head off! Amy thought we should cuddle the kitty to make its ouchie go away...meowing is crying to her I guess!
Anyway 100% again today so far! Hope you all are having a nice day.

September days

2005-09-19T17:22:00.000-04:00

........I love to go walking in the evening when the weather starts to turn towards fall. It is such a peaceful time for me...if the stars are out its as close to a perfect evening as you can get. I waited my whole life to have a family and a home but man do I ever miss that alone time. I am alone to study but I mean the kind of time where you can just not think about anything or you don't have to worry about anything.........
This has been my train of thinking forthe last week or so then today it dawned on me I was miserable when I was alone and out walking half the evening when I had nothing better to do. What would my life have been like if I hadn't had my daughter to worry about? I can't even imagine it now! Just a little reality check for me today!
On a fun note has anyone else seen 40 year old virgin!!!! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!

Another Day.....

2005-09-14T11:20:00.000-04:00

It's so fall like today. It sure does feel like it outside too! Amy is off to the sitters and I'm working on homework but I have no desire to do anything other than maybe go for a walk which I may do yet! I have my first real test coming up on Tuesday...I'm kind of scared. Its been a long time since I had to study. I hope I am doing all that I need to. The first time I went to college I was more interested in parties and boys but now I actually care if I pass..I actually want to get A's not just hope to pass with a C!! ( the boys are still hot)...but I'm old enough to be their Mom now!!! Sad sad day when you figure out that these kids were born the year I graduated high school!!

Heaven from the neighborhood!

2005-09-13T00:13:00.000-04:00

We have a sweet old lady that lives next door to us. She is leaving for Florida tomorrow and was cleaning out her frig or something...anyway she shows up at my door this afternoon with some very yummy coffee and ..A BOX OF CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES!!!!! ugh...I took them and said thanks. These are the best things on the planet and I have no willpower so I gave them to my husband to hide. Now its midnight and I can't get the damn things off my mind while I'm sitting here doing my homework!!! I am so weak, but I will make it I know I will.
I have received the breakfast food I ordered from NS so I have no more excuses. Tomorrow I am 100% on plan and I start exercising at the university gym with a trainer. Wish me luck!!

Tomorrow is the big "35"

2005-09-08T22:12:00.000-04:00

I am not really looking forward to turning 35 but here it comes like it or not. School is going ok but lots of work...I don't think I worked this hard once the entire 13 years on my old job. Doesn't really speak well for me.... yikes!
My little girl has started running up to me, hugging my leg, and saying "wuv you"... then running off again as fast as she appeared. WOW if I had only known how awesome motherhood was I would have done it years ago!

I didn't have a good eating day at all. I don't know what its going to take for me to get past myself!!!! I am actually leaning towards surgery, just to get over with. I of course won't do it but I want so much to lose the weight yet it seems I screw myself out of it everyday!

If anyone reads this can you tell me what I do to link this blog to my nutrisystem page. I have no clue, it took me 12 trys to figure out how to set up the blog!

Sunny Day...Cloudy Mind

2005-09-05T10:44:00.000-04:00

Today is such a beautiful day here in Maine! There is a wonderful cool fall breeze blowing and the sun is shining so brightly. I want to go outside and enjoy it but I feel so guilty enjoying it with so many people suffering in the Gulf. I did hear that my family in Baton Rouge is ok, they are just without electricity but they have each other! Thank God! (Thats a happy hello Steven...what was it 3 weeks ago you moved down? Those Maine winters aren't looking so bad after all.) Keep safe!
Amy and I are watching Charlotte's Web once again!! Who knew that a 20 month old would love a movie so much...she doesn't move the entire time that its on. I have had to limit her to one time in the morning and one at night otherwise she just wants me to start the dvd over and over again. I have to admit it does keep her out of trouble while I work on homework..I feel like such a bad Mom! Maybe we will go outside after all for a bit of none screen time for both of us.

Hello everyone!

2005-09-04T10:22:00.000-04:00

I decided I needed to join the blogger world...I have gained alot of support from reading others! I am starting my second semester of college at 35 years old. I was employed by an electric company for 13 years but was replaced by a computer and a kid that will work for 10 bucks an hour(or less). I have been on and off Nutrisystem since the beginning of May. When I stick to the program it works wonders but when I try to go off on my own I only manage to maintain within a few pounds. So today is the day I start again. I can't be going to school with these kids and looking and feeling the way I do about myself. Its bad enough that most of these kids were born the year I graduated high school...I once looked like them too. Its a real eye opener to think it only took me 17 years to do this to my body!!! I sure hope it isn't that slow in coming back off. I love life and spending time playing with my daughter but if I keep this up there is no way I will be able to keep up with her for very long!!